*The scenarios/questions below are imagined. They are not real.
NEW YORK, NY – With petty/greed owners and players depriving us baseball fanatics/fans of our winter baseball fix, yours truly feels compelled to act. Call it civic duty, if you will. Call it an ill-fated attempt at humor in a grim time, if you like. Either way, here are the timely and oh-so-important… Answers To Make-Believe Spring Training Questions
Is Arte Moreno Nuts?
Shelling out $18,000,000.00 for pitcher that tossed 2 innings with a 9.00 ERA in 2021. That’s Noah “Thor” Syndergaard, Mets’ fans. Yet, while brandishing out big bucks like a bombed buccaneer, he hamstrings his front office by not allowing them to build out the roster if it means going over the Competitive Balance Tax threshold of $220 million. Moreno and three other owners voted against expanding that cap. He’s also one of 4 owners to vote against Steve Cohen buying the Mets. Meanwhile, Mike Trout has been to the playoffs but once in 10 seasons with the Angels. Good luck with your newest version of Matt Harvey, Arturo.
How Serious is Giancarlo’s Injury?
One really doesn’t have to suspend reality much to buy into this one. Giancarlo “Mike” Stanton, who spent the offseason eating only kale in an effort to better resist soft tissue injuries, is hopeful to make Opening Day after “tweaking a lat” while sipping water. A stoic Brian Cashman says, “…it’s really just precautionary. We want Mike, I mean Giancarlo, healthy.” The bet here is that Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton misses 25% of the Yankees‘ regular season games this year.
Will Steve Cohen Get Twitter Ban Lifted?
The publicly critical and Tourette‘s-like-tweeter Mets’ owner tweeted: “Buck Showalter is a f*cking Putin Nazi puppet! That b*tch Arte Moreno owns him!” This resulted in Twitter banning Cohen from their platform. This all came about after the Angels beat the Mets in Port St. Lucie after William Nathaniel “Buck” Showalter III lifted Maxwell Martin Scherzer after his scheduled 2 innings pitched. Cohen immediately followed the above tweet with; “I’m not paying that f*ing c**t $43,300,000.00 this year to pitch two f*ck*ng innings?!” Our intel is that Cohen is looking at buying Twitter.
Will Spring Training be Moved Next Year?
With 40 degree weather now the standard across most states in the Winter and early Spring, there is much being said about moving the Grapefruit & Cactus Leagues closer to the equator. You know, to places where grapefruit and and cacti still grow year-round. Panama and Ecuador are being considered, but our Spring Training MTM Poll demonstrates that most fans believe that machete-wielding locals will attack them in those countries. 49% of those polled said they would risk going, however, if the beer was $4 per can or less.
And there you have it. Please feel free to comment below and come back tomorrow for Grinding Ax Walt, who’ll always spend more to get a cheap beer.
