DENVER, CO – On Monday I turned thirty five. This birthday holds little significance, save for the fact that I am now eligible to become President of the United States. Without wasting any precious time, today I announce to you all my candidacy for President. The timing is right to run a great three-year campaign and there are a lot of things wherein I believe that a Cam James Administration can correct the direction of our country. With that in mind I want you all to see my platform first.
Energy Policy
As we all know gas prices are through the roof. We also know that Gina China controls the lion share of battery, solar panel and rare earth mineral production. This means that to return to energy independence we need to increase oil and gas production domestically while concurrently investing in domestic manufacturing and explore alternative energies. I believe that there is an untapped alternative energy that is being highly overlooked… H-RM (Human-Released Methane. Everyday millions of people eat Mexican food, Indian food and other high gas-producing foods. Under the current administration’s policies this methane is being released into your car, your office, rooms full of people and sometimes – even an unsuspecting person’s face. In order to harness this power I am partnering with John Daly, Bartolo Colon, and Natural Light to introduce the “Fart Jar Collection Act.” Every can of beans at the store, every take out order of Vindaloo and every case of beer will come with a fart jar. When people fill the jar with farts, they will then bring them to a collection center for farts. The methane will then be harvested for electricity production and the individual will get a fart credit on their taxes. Bartolo thinks that he alone can power the city of Cincinnati... and become the winningest Latino pitcher in the process.
Foreign Policy
Currently there are problems in numerous theaters. A war in Ukraine, Chinese aggression in the south China Sea, and Iran seeking nuclear weapons are all imminent concerns. The current administration’s poll numbers on these topics are lower than the Marianas Trench. In order to turn our image around and retain our spot as the leader of the free world we need strong leadership in the state department. If elected I will appoint Robert Kraft as Secretary of State. He will immediately be dispatched to southeast Asia in order to strengthen relations with Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam. His conversations will be short and he won’t do much talking. There will, however, be a lot of conversations. We must earn back the trust in the region, twenty dollars at a time.
The Southern Border
Our immigration system is broken. We are the only first world country that simply allows people to enter our country illegally. The left wants to let everyone in to load the voting in future elections. The right wants to close the border to prevent the influx of drugs and people who are a threat to national security. As a compromise the Cam James administration will complete the border wall… in the style of a 1990’s American Gladiator gauntlet. Anyone who can get through Lazer, Atlas, Cyclone, Dallas and Crush will be granted citizenship. Anyone who fails will be sent back to Mexico to attempt to escape Olmec’s temple to earn another chance at the Gladiators.
Crime Policy
Murder rates are up everywhere. Property crime rates are up everywhere. Crime in general is running rampant in our country. The left wants to forgive small crimes to keep incarceration low. The right wants to clean up the streets. The Cam James Administration has a new take on punishment that will surely reduce crime across the board. In lieu of prison time for low-level offenses, criminals will be forced to attend Baltimore Orioles games. For more serious crimes the sentencing will be to attend WNBA games. Capitol offenders will be forced to play for the Knicks without pay. If this doesn’t bring crime down what will?
Speaking of crime, come back tomorrow for former Riker’s Island Corrections Officer and current baseball junkie, Aristotle Sakellaridis… aka Mugsy.
And now a few words from my running mate:
Not enough? try this:
