Dog Days of Summer, Sweatiest Sports Stars

DENVER, CO – It’s hot.  Like really hot.  The temp reading in my Jeep has hit 106 three days in a row.  Just going to the store makes me feel like I just got out of a day’s work in a whore house.  My hot tub that I adore nine months of the year looks like a human soup cooker.  My dog doesn’t even want to take a walk.  It is officially the Dog Days of Summer… During these few months of no reprieve I sweat like a sumo wrestler getting a schvitz.  I am not alone.  Numerous athletes sweat just as bad as I do.  When they do, some look disgusting.  Some look sexy.  Some look dead.  Some don’t look at all.  Here are a few of my favorites.

Ugliest Sweaty Guy:
Chauncey Billups.  If you tried to euro step on Chauncey Billups you had a 45% chance of blowing out your groin due to the river of deceitful perspiration dripping all over the court.  After a blown out groin, one would welcome those same salty drops falling into the eyes to prevent oneself from having to look at the busted mug of Chauncey saying “You OK?”

Saltiest Rain:
Sean Newcomb of the Atlanta Braves sweated so much in a game in 2018 he actually had sweat dripping off his cap.  His uniform probably weighed more than he did by the time he got pulled from the game.

Saltiest Waterfall:
Jaromir Jagr.  To this day Jagr-Meister is gracing the ice at age fifty!  He had twelve points in nineteen games this season for Rytiri Kladno.  For the last thirty years his class six waterfall has been casting sweat onto the ice in a series of amazing uncoordinated waves.  Business in the front.  Party firmly in the back.

Not Allowed to Have Dinner at the Club Until he Changes
Tom Watson.  I bet Tom Watson’s sweat smells like a combination of Aqua Velva, Bengay, and old books.  Hopefully that mix is a better scent than his natural scent considering he can ruin a new golf shirt by the turn.

Most Lkely to Make Me Sweat:

Cam James

Daniela Hantuchova.  She puts the spring in my racket.

Sweatiest Pride Month Plug:
Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe tie for this one until Rapinoe sweats the color out of her hair.

Sweatiest Largest Arms in the World:
The real American…..Hulk Hogan.

Sweatiest MTM Contributor:
Junoir Blaber. Matt has about 100 pics to insert for this one I think.

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About Cam James 126 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.