HOGTIED, CO – I had a great idea for a column for today. I just lost it. Watching the Patriots QB [Mac Jones] almost take a safety on an intentional grounding call was so titillating I forgot what I was going to write about. Of course I’m probably only one of a few people who are watching the game. There certainly can’t be more than a few dolts that have access to the football game being broadcast on a website where you buy books. The concept that Amazon has a NFL contract is not nearly as difficult to understand as the concept that Amazon hired Kirk Herbstreit to be their color guy.
There have been some amazing color commentators in the history of the NFL. They all have two things in common:
-They played in the NFL
-They weren’t hired to broadcast for the same company that you buy knock-off sex toys from.
Kirk Herbstreit never played in the NFL. He only started one year in college. He started the 1992 season for “The Douchey University in Ohio.” During that season he went 8-3-1 with the tie coming against Michigan at home. If I wanted to hire a color guy to sit next to me at the bar and chat about the glory days I might call Kirk Herbstreit. For my NFL games I prefer any one of the below NFL proven legends:
Dan Fouts – If you weren’t alive in 1979, like I wasn’t, then Dan Fouts is the greatest time capsule ever created. The man was a QB in the league… and he won’t let you forget it. Fouts is football’s less eloquent version of Nick Faldo. Faldo probably installs car phones in his modern vehicles just to pretend like it’s 1992. He was, however, more of a badass than probably any quarterback in today’s generation. Roll the tape.
Tony Romo – Listening to Tony Romo announce football is kinda like meeting the first nice guy after a bad break up. He predicts the future. It’s too good to be true. He says sweet nothings then predicts the future again. It comes true again. Then he rips out your soul when you realize he is predicting your own team’s destruction.
Ron Jaworski: You could say he knows his sh!t.
Phil Simms: His commentary doesn’t stink
John Madden: John Madden played. John Madden coached. John Madden is the best color man of all time. That is all that needs to be said. Take a moment to remember…
Don Meredith: Turn Out the Lights the Article is Over!!!