STAMFORD, CT – With the 4th of July behind us, we’re into the meat of summer. Not quite the “dog days,” but shifting gears and losing sight of spring in the rearview. Let’s take a break from our usual half-baked analyses of the Rangers’ and Knicks’ off-season moves, and our knee-jerk critiques of the mercurial Mets and Yankees. Instead, I’m thinking about names. My kids have classmates named Neo, Judas, and Ezekiel. The Jennys and Mikes from my day are few and far between. On that note, let’s roll with My Three Favorite Names From The NFL Draft.
Christian Mahogany
This poor guy’s name is a combo of religion and wood. Fun! It sounds like a table rich people would make fun of:
JENNY: Mitzy, did you see that dining room?
MITZY: “My god, that table was absolutely hideous.”
MIKE: “What was it, Christian Mahogany?” Hahahaha.
JENNY: “She probably got it at Pottery Barn!”
Mahogany was drafted by the Lions in the sixth round, as Detroit continues to invest in one of the league’s best offensive lines. The athletic mauler slipped on concerns of poor technique.
Qwan’tez Stiggers
What’s not to like about a first name that starts with a w but is not followed by a u? Throw in a random apostrophe and I’m in. And his last name sounds like some kind of biblical plague:
Breaking News: The invasion of the Stiggers appears to have originated from a cargo ship from east Asia. The pests have no native predators in North America and are known to devour roofing shingles. They travel in packs upwards of 100,000 bugs and can block out the sun for as much as 35 minutes. If the sun disappears, get to cover. The bite of several stiggers can be fatal.
Qwan’tez was drafted by the Jets as the last pick of the fifth round. The cornerback did not go to college but was the CFL’s Most Outstanding Rookie for the Toronto Argonauts last season.
Zion Tupuola-Futi
There’s a lot going on with this name. When AI decides it no longer needs humans and is destroying the last remnants of the human race, Zion Tupuola-Futi will be the final human stronghold:
–The machines are too powerful, pull back to Zion Tupuola-Futi! It’s a combination from several places as the last humans couldn’t agree on what to call it, even in near annihilation circumstances. This was the compromise.
ZTF is a twitchy, edge rusher out of Washington, who sadly did not get drafted. We hope he catches on with a team as twitchy edge rushers are always in demand.
That’s it for me. Speaking of “twitchy,” Angry Ward is here tomorrow.
