COOPERSTOWN, NY – For those unfamiliar with the Manny Ramirez as Joe Torre’s nanny story, that’s what the following refers to; when Joe Torre had to handle Manny in L.A….
EXT. COOPERSTOWN, NEW YORK. YESTERDAY
A lovely summer day at the Baseball Hall of Fame, resplendent in its bunting and brick. The ceremonies have just ended and in the afterglow a bunch of old guys stand around mingling…including JOE TORRE, BOBBY COX, and TONY LARUSSA.
BOBBY COX
Hey Joey Joe-Joe, how’s your little girl Andrea?
JOE TORRE
Not so little. She’s heading to college this year!
TONY LARUSSA
Better write another book to pay for that tuition. Say, whatever happened to that…nanny you used to use with her? Wait, wasn’t it…
JOE TORRE
Don’t say it! He just disappeared about four years ago when he got traded to Ozzie Guillen. Haven’t heard from him since. I think I’ve finally gotten my blood pressure back under control, my sleep apnea is a thing of the past, and I’m nearly back to my playing weight. Every now and then, though, whenever my wife gets her nails done and uses the shortened term for it, I get a little twinge, and the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
BOBBY COX
You mean like they are right now?
JOE TORRE
What?!
He feels the back of his neck. Sure enough…
MANNY
Mr. Joe! Mr. Joe!
MANNY RAMIREZ materializes out of the nearby bushes.
JOE TORRE
Oh no. Bobby, Tony, hide me…
But Cox and La Russa are already scurrying away. Joe is cornered.
JOE TORRE
Manny, what are you doing here?
MANNY
I had to find you…I’m on a mystic baseball journey to make amends for all the stuff that happened. First after my triumphant half a year as a Dodger, for which I guess I’m still beloved there since I still see Ramirez jerseys all over Dodger Stadium…
JOE TORRE
Well, I’m glad to hear you’re making amends, but those are Hanley Ramirez jerseys.
MANNY
…I went to Taiwan to learn Far Eastern secrets and techniques.
JOE TORRE
You played ball there for half a season and left before your contract was up.
MANNY
And then I heard a voice telling me to go to Iowa, where ball fields are carved right out of the corn fields.
JOE TORRE
That was your old friend Theo Epstein throwing you a bone as a coach-slash-occasional pinch hitter for the Iowa Cubs. You’re a publicity stunt at best. To think there was a time when it seemed almost likely to see you actually getting inducted here.
Just then TOM GLAVINE and GREG MADDUX stroll by, a group of bikini clad girls following them.
GLAVINE and MADDUX
Hey Manny, chicks dig Hall of Famers!
MANNY
That’s great…jerks. So where was I…oh yeah, then I hurt my hammy again, so as part of my journey I’ve decided to visit here, the birthplace of baseball.
JOE TORRE
Well, even that has been pretty much debunked…but, I guess your heart is in the right place if you’re really willing to learn from your mistakes. Say, what is that you’re wiping your mouth on?
MANNY
Oh…I had three slices of pizza from Sal’s around the corner, so as I cut through the museum I grabbed this towel with the number 3 on the back.
JOE TORRE
That’s no towel, that’s Babe Ruth’s jersey!
MANNY
Dios Mio!
END CREDITS
DENOUEMENT
Joe Torre receives a heavy package, reading the note attached…
MANNY
(voice over)
Dear Mr. Joe, I thought about what you said and I’ve learned my lesson for good this time. In gratitude, I saw that you left this behind and I figured you’d want it. I had to use a chisel and a bat I got from Ted Williams’s locker, but I finally got it. You’re welcome…Manny.
Joe opens the package to see his new Hall of Fame plaque, dented and scraped up, chunks of marble still stuck around the edges.
JOE TORRE
MAAAAAAANNNN-NNNNNYYYYYYY!!!!
