Angry Ward Wednesday: A-Rod Eyes Mets, Greg Olsen Should Retire, and a Fun Day for Felons

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BRONX, NY – If you came here today looking for more Astros bashing, ruh roh, I’ve decided to give it at least a one-day hiatus. Not that it doesn’t deserve the wall-to-wall coverage, particularly the “Rob Manfred’s a toothless b!tch” takes, but I’m personally a little worn out on it.

Instead, let’s go dumpster-diving through whatever rancid sports scraps are around these days. Think of it like Sylvester the Cat using a garbage can lid as a platter as he sifted through the back alley trash for fish heads and other discarded delicacies. Bon Appétit!

A-Rod Interested in Buying the Mets?

Mr. & Mrs. Met?

A few days ago, this story blipped across sports radar screens and then thankfully disappeared… at least for now. If you’re a Mets fan, your stance on ownership should pretty much be, “Anyone but the Wilpons,” but you can’t possibly want Alex Rodriguez to be the guy that ends up with your team… can you? He’s a smug, smarmy, liar and cheat, which makes him White House material more than anything else.

A-Rod being the Mets’ white knight is some kind of cruel joke. It just can’t happen. It would be like making a full recovery from cancer only to find out that you had every sexually transmitted disease in the book. The only upside would be A-Rod going up against his former best bud Jeter, and his craptastic club, in the same division. But that sick little sideshow isn’t near enough to make this idea palatable. Let’s just ignore it.

Dead Man Walking… and Continuing to Play Football.
Apparently, former Carolina Panthers tight end Greg Olsen is returning for an ill-advised 14th NFL season next year with the Seahawks. Olsen and Carolina mutually parted ways but, if you saw him play at all this year, you get the feeling the team told him he should hang ’em up. I saw enough of him to recognize that he should no longer be on a football field. Apparently Seattle saw a guy worth paying $7 million so he can destroy what’s left of his body and brain. The NFL can pay out settlements and talk all they want about player safety, but nothing ever changes in this league.

I Beg Your Pardon? 
Donald Trump spent his day yesterday forgiving every scumbag that popped into that over-nuked Steak n’ Cheddar Hot Pocket he calls a brain. Among the absolved was former 49ers owner Eddie DeBartolo Jr. To complete this piece of the dog and pony show, former players Jerry Rice, Ronnie Lott, Jim Brown and others came to the White House to genuflect and praise this bit white collar charity. DeBartolo is rich and from Ohio, but I’m sure neither of those things figured in Trump’s decision to pardon him. The rest of the newly-pardoned reads like a who’s-who of absolute sh!t pieces: Bernie Kerik, Michael Milken and, oh yes, Rod Blagojevich had the remainder of his jail sentence commuted. What a wonderful day for all involved. It reminded me of the scene in the original Ghostbusters where Walter Peck turned off the power at their holding facility and unleashed a whole host of noxious specters. I see a Presidential Medal of Freedom in Pete Rose’s future. I’m not kidding.

OK, I’m done scraping the bottom of the barrel. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz who could very well be writing about the XFL.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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