Tag: Donald Trump
Mike Trout Not Hooked, Mike Gundy Eats A Million Wieners, Trump Guilfoyle’d, Joey Chestnut
CONEY ISLAND, NY – With the annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest creating a buzz for needy, sports-deprived suckers everywhere, there’s a lot to cover! Let’s get to today’s headline: Trout Not Hooked, Trump Guilfoyle’d, Gundy Eats A Million Wieners… Trout Not Hooked Ruh-roh. The Trout(s) are spawning and the papa is wiggling on […]
Big Ben Tuesday: Bubba Wallace, Dave Portnoy Mets Owner, and Holding onto Hope for Sports in 2020
Stamford, CT: Oh man, a crappy burger at my local diner never tasted so good. Welcome back to civilization! What else is going on? Lots of sh!te and it’s almost all bad. We got nooses, for crying out loud, an Amazin’ Mets ownership group coming together, and good ol’ Covid trying to take out team […]
Big Ben Tuesday: Three Great Speeches From Sports Movies to get us to the Covid Finish Line
MOS EISLEY, USA – The first time my Beer League Hockey team made it to the finals we noticed NHL great Marty St. Louis coaching on the ice before our game. There was a sleek NY Rangers bag next to a fancy pair of shoes in our locker room. Of course the items turned out […]
Big Ben: 2020 is a Ryan Leaf Sewage Sandwich. Race Wars, Pandemics, Poverty For Millions
SCHITTSTORM USA: 2020 has been a helluva year so far, eh? January 2020: Well, I did a pretty good job of getting 2020 off to a crappy start. Febuary 2020: Hold my beer March 2020: Hold my bong April 2020: Hold my pipe May 2020: Hold my syringe June 2020: ??? Just when you thought […]
Big Ben: Finding Silver Linings in the Coronavirus Lockdown – with John Lennon, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Alex Ovechkin
WUHAN CLAN – Hey there. How are you guys handling the sheltering? Things are getting weird. But with this sudden addition of free time, we finally have time to get some sh!t done. You know, when we’re not “working from home.” It’s time to finish that screenplay, paint the deck, binge-watch The Wire and reconnect with […]
Big Ben Tuesday: Things We Won’t Miss When The Coronavirus is Over
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: I was on a submarine for the two months with no wifi. What’d I miss? Like everyone else, I’m sitting getting reacquainted with my family, waiting for the vaccine to come along and wipe out this virus. You know, just like the flu vaccine wiped out the flu. The Texans […]
Angry Ward Wednesday: A-Rod Eyes Mets, Greg Olsen Should Retire, and a Fun Day for Felons
BRONX, NY – If you came here today looking for more Astros bashing, ruh roh, I’ve decided to give it at least a one-day hiatus. Not that it doesn’t deserve the wall-to-wall coverage, particularly the “Rob Manfred’s a toothless b!tch” takes, but I’m personally a little worn out on it. Instead, let’s go dumpster-diving through whatever […]
Big Ben Tuesday: New York Rangers Delicate Transfer of Power from The King to The Czar
BROADWAY, NYC – The end is near for Good King Henrik, as the NY Rangers are pulling the plug on the unsustainable three-goalie rotation. As Axl Rose once said about threesomes, “usually someone gets pissed off.” Well, here were are. The team is switching gears and turning full time to The Czar, Igor Shesterkin. With one […]
Angry Ward Wednesday 2020: No More Cowboys Cruelty, Knicks Snickering, and Other New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Intention of Keeping
“Let’s turn over a new leaf. And Baby let’s make promises that we can keep, and call it our New Year’s Resolution.” BRONX, NY – So goes the above first chorus lyric to the best New Year’s song ever, Otis Redding and Carla Thomas‘ “New Year’s Resolution.” I personally have never been a big fan […]
Big Ben: Trump’s Idiotic Suggestions for the Redskins, Indians, and Bubba Wallace
STAMFORD, CT – Well folks, as we stumble into July the prospects of watching team sports has brightened slightly, but the damn virus is still on everybody’s mind. Our government’s response has been as graceful and sure-footed as Jose Canseco tracking a fly ball in right. And it all started at the top, with an […]
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