“If I didn’t get immunity, I could face prosecution. And here I am sitting there and wanting to tell my story. There were two scenarios. But the immunity didn’t come through. So, I sat there and said, ‘I didn’t want to talk about the past.” -Mark McGwire
PALOOKAVILLE, USA – One week we’re preaching forgiveness for a potential Hall Of Famer, the next we’re boiling with enough ‘Roid Rage to make Bill Romanowski and the late Ken Caminiti nervous. And it’s not subsiding.
If you haven’t heard, Mark McGwire came clean yesterday. He came out of the closet. Not the Rock Hudson/Tony Randall closet. The other one. The one with the needles. The one that when opened, has a stench so foul (pun intended) that it instantly makes for a nauseous pit in your stomach. And ours is threatening to unload right on our very keyboard.
Before we continue, take a minute to re-read McGwire’s quote at the top of the page – we snatched it from his USA Today Monday Mea Culpa. We’ll wax our backs while you do so… Okay. Let’s continue. Basically, Marky ‘Needle’ Mark is saying that he would have told the truth if he knew he wouldn’t get in trouble. Let that one marinate a little. Good… Now, how frogging tiled-up is that?! Is that how warped his sense of right and wrong is? Is that the best he can do, five years after his Capitol Hill Retreat and but 6 days AFTER he didn’t get the Cooperstown nod for the FOURTH time?! (Sorry for all the numbers).
Curt Schilling gets ready to barf.
Look, we’re all about giving somebody a second chance if warranted. [Jack] Lord knows we ain’t perfect. But we’re not the jerkball that posed for these self-promoting pictures after people like Don Hooton – a Texas man whose son committed suicide after using steroids – asked him to be honest about his usage:
It just seems to us that Mark McGwire:
A) Realized he’s not getting a whiff (another pun) of C’Town sans a dramatic Public Relations Coup.
B) Waited to see if he somehow got the Hall Call before making any hasty decisions.
C) Has no sense of what’s cool and not cool with Pat & Pat Q. Fan.
D) Knew he better do something before starting his gig as the St. Louis Steroid Coach. Our bet is that he’ll get booed more now.
Finally, because we’re Metro New Yorkers, we are innately suspicious. So, while we love Hank Aaron and his outspokenness, we’re a little put-off by his quick issuance of forgiveness and subsequent Cooperstown endorsement for the alleged teary-eyed confessor. Why do we suggest the tears were alleged? Because McGwire did this over the phone. Anybody can fake cry on the phone. And he did it through The USA Today! Not Matt Lauer, not Chris Berman, not Jay Leno, not MeetTheMatts.com. Come on! As for Hammerin’ Hank – could it be that he hopes McGwire’s confession guilts Barry into one as well, reestablishing his deserved place in the record books??? The Lt. Columbo in us smells a contrived, timely, much-discussed, MLB public relations campaign. And we’re not buyin’ it. Instead, we’re springing for something else; something special for Mea Culpa Mark… A one-way ticket to Palookaville.
- Angry Ward, tomorrow.
Thought we were going to end with this video, didn’t you???