NEW YORK, NY – Why the hell don’t they name candy bars after famous athletes anymore? Is it simply because the Reggie Bar looked like a pile of cow shit and turned everyones guts inside out? If so, that’s not a good enough reason. After all, Baby Ruth’s are still going strong and Oh Henry! was more than happy to use Hank Aaron as a pitch man, even if the bar wasn’t initially named for him. Sure there have been some missteps, like the Heath Bar briefly hitching its wagon to Heathcliff Slocumb, a pitcher whose performance on the field was as hard to digest as the bar itself and that executive at Hershey’s who suggested one called Pujols, still hasn’t been found. But such failures should not dissuade the Candy Bar Barons. In a nutshell, naming candy after American sports icons is a tradition that needs to continue. Here are some suggestions.
The Rexy Bar. Inspired by Jets head coach Rex Ryan, this 500-calorie foot-shaped confection has all the essential sugars you need to keep those synapses firing. You can take your time with it by sucking the toes down to their rich nougat filling, or do as Rex does and cram the entire thing in your mouth.
E5. Named after David Wright’s popular nickname with official scorers everywhere, the E5 is essentially a Butterfinger knock-off, but coated in a high-gloss corn syrup varnish that makes it virtually impossible to hold onto. E5, there’s an error in every bite.
Flunky. This Isiah Thomas-designed candy bar/sleep aid features a list of ingredients that have no business being with one another. However, those that do manage to choke it down will be treated to a sleep so sound they’ll need someone to call a paramedic.
Paterno Pattie. The outside, a proprietary blend of dark chocolate and old black shoes, gives way to a delightful creamy filling with a subtle taste of white sweat socks. Get the sensation.
Slutrageous. Kim Kardashian and Cameron Diaz have teamed up to bring you the only candy bar worthy of sports groupies. Jam packed with nuts, Slutrageous has mounds in all the right places and a sinfully sweet center, but after a few bites you’ll most likely move on to something else.
Goal-Os. These chewy treats are being marketed directly to New York Islander fans in an effort to keep them from grinding their teeth. Each individual pack features enough Goal-Os to cover a night’s worth of opposing goals allowed while releasing a gentle anesthetic. Not to be confused with DiPietro Dots, which are only available with a prescription.
The Viking Bar. A two-piece candy bar with no second half.
Mattomars. Also known as concussion cookies, Mattomars are the snack of choice for MTM writers and editors everywhere. Each bite you take is a mistake. “Mattomars: What to eat when you’re already drinking the Kool Aid.”