ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: SPORTS TRADEMARKS

Daly takes a drag

NEW YORK, NY – Buried among all the “Occupy Wall Street,” “Violent Protests in Egypt,” and “Another Chick Groped in Brooklyn” news of this past week was a hard-hitting story about Beyonce Knowles being accused of stealing. Shocking, but possibly true. Apparently the delectable diva is guilty of plagiarizing dance moves from Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker (a woman whose name is so long it almost uses up my entire alloted word count), in her new video Countdown.Anyway, who knew that you could trademark dance moves? Could I possibly sue someone for pilfering my patented take-your-suit-jacket-off-swing-it-over-your-head-and-throw-it-into-the-crowd wedding reception dance? More importantly, shouldn’t sports stars get busy defending their trademarks? Here’s just a sampling of some of the intellectual property at stake.

Unquestionable. There’s no question that Jerry Manuel is no longer managing the Mets. But there’s also no question that no other manager should be able to use the term, “no question” in any of their postgame press conferences. “No question” definitely belongs to Jerry. No question.

Damn Skippy. Any NFL quarterbacks out there even considering short-arming a pass to a wide open receiver, think again. That move belongs to Donovan McNabb and he will sue your stupid face off.

Anna sports her Tighty Whities

Duff n’ Puff. For those of you amateur golfers who like to stroll the links on a nice sunny day with a cancer stick hanging out of your maw, knock it off. John Daly worked hard to cultivate an image and doesn’t need some novice tarnishing it. That goes double for drinking on the course and bringing trailer trash into the clubhouse.

September Swoon. Fred and Jeff Wilpon have finally figured out how to make some money back by taking the Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves to court over their blatant unauthorized use of the Metsies patented September slip n’ slide collapse.

Take the Money and Don’t Run. From now on when an NFL team signs its star running back to a multi-year deal with ridiculous amounts of guaranteed money only to have said running back lay a complete egg on the field, it will be said that the team got “Johnsoned,” as in Chris Johnson. Please make a note of it.

Me So Kourni. If you look so good that no one really cares how you play, you are technically stealing from former tennis slut Anna Kournikova, who never won anything yet always received more coverage than anyone else on tour.

Tommy takes a tumble

The Wop Flop. If you’re a portly Italian, let’s just say that it would be in your best interests to get Tommy Lasorda’s permission before taking any kind of clown-like tumble.

Bringing Rexy Back. The art of “mailing in” a column on an empty tank after a long weekend of boozing begins and ends with one Rex O’Rourke. As for my so-called “effort” today, they say that immitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I just hope O’Rourke’s attorneys feel the same way.

That’s all for this week. I’m hoping Lori Levine is bringing sexy back tomorrow – but I think we skip her in the rotation this week. I could really use a wake up call. Jose Canseco video, perhaps???

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About Angry Ward 648 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.