NEW YORK, NY – (Monday 7 am) My kid woke me up this morning at 5 am shrieking like a harridan about all kinds of sh!t that doesn’t even register at that ungodly hour. I remember the phrase “someone pway wid me” and random words like “tag” and “waffle.” The upshot is, I’m sleep-deprived and pissed. Perfect time to start writing a column.
(Monday 3 pm) Wow, it took me longer to get started on this than I thought. Kid’s watching the tube as I try to get a few paragraphs in. Hey, speaking of kids and television (which I often do), why the hell is practically every show my child watches made in Canada (or America Junior, as Homer Simpson would call it)? This is seriously weird. You can detect Canadian accents in virtually every kids show, from The Cat in the Hat to Super Why to that annoying little sh!t Caillou, they’re all produced in hoser country. I am genuinely worried that my daughter is going to start saying things like “oot and aboot,” “or-gain-eye-zay-shun,” and “oh-fence.” Doesn’t anything get made in this country anymore besides stupid politicians, Cheese Jax, and toxic waste? Why don’t we just farm Sesame Street out to Mexico City and call it a day?
(Monday 5:30 pm) Sticking with television, here’s an idea for a reality show. Round up former Penn State Prez Graham Spanier, Joe Paterno, and everyone else who knew about Jerry Sandusky’s so-called after-school activities and have them all share a house with him as he awaits trial. But here’s the twist, have all these guys dress up like little kids and each week one of them has to share a room and a shower with him. We’ll call it Jerry’s Kids and the winner is the guy who can go the longest without calling the cops.
(Monday 6 pm) I was just about to grab a cocktail and the wife just shot me one of those, “you need a night off from the liquid comedy, bub” kinda looks. Unfortunately, it appears I’ll be doing this one sober. Great. Just glanced over at cnnsi.com and their main headline reads, NBA SEASON NOW IN JEOPARDY. Good. Not to worry hoops fans, there are literally dozens of basketball movies you can watch and some are so much like the real thing, you’ll hardly notice the difference. Relive Shaq’s high-flying heyday with Kazaam! The depressing documentary Hoop Dreams easily doubles as a highlight reel of the LA Clippers past 20 seasons. And Teen Wolf will conjure images of former Phoenix Suns/New York Knicks lycanthrope Neal Walk.
(Monday 8:30 pm) Vikes/Pack coming on. This should be a doozy. Gotta go.
(Monday 10 pm) 17-0 Pack. Ugh. Maybe I’ll check out the Bob Costas interview with Jerry Sandusky on NBC.
(Monday 10:07 pm) Big mistake. So creepy. Sandusky seemed weird, too. Back to the game.
(Tuesday 3 am) Can’t sleep, and it has nothing to do with the 45-7 shellacking at the hands of Green Bay. These are the times I really miss having HBO. Most of the time they suck, but during the insomnia shift, they’d always come through with a classic like, Witches of Breastwick II. As Greg Kihn would say, “They don’t write ’em like that anymore.”
(Tuesday 2:30 pm) Sports headlines: Verlander wins AL Cy Young. Roethlisberger has broken thumb. Update! Big Ben just released a statement saying that his injury should in no way interfere with his ability to detain coeds against their will in public restrooms.
(Tuesday 4:57:43 pm) Been well over 24 hours since my last drink. Sun’s already down. I’m toast. Have only slightly more power than Connecticut during a snow storm. Let’s call this one a column and move on.