ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: TAKIN’ YOU DOWN TO CHINATOWN

Spit Happens

NEW YORK, NY – For those of you who got trapped beneath that avalanche of Short Matt’s unwashed laundry and mounting bills that nearly wiped out the tri-state area a couple of weeks back, there’s this dude named Jeremy Lin who has been playing pretty well for the New York Knickerbockers basketball team. And for those of you who have the good sense to avoid ESPN at all costs, that sports media giant recently fired a staffer for using the derogatory term “Chink” in the title of a story after a recent Knicks loss.

We here at Meet The Matts were appalled at the use of this word, but weren’t the least bit surprised that it came from those inbred, cousin-f**king, Bristol hillbillies at The Worldwide Leader. In an effort to repair some of the damage done we’d like to celebrate our cultural differences (and similarities) by reviewing a few common Chinese terms found in everyday sports.

Kowtow.The rag JB, Shannon, Boomer, Dan and the rest of the CBS crew use to wipe their mugs with after Bill Cowher finishes another spit-filled piece of analysis.

Large Chop suey

Dim sum. A way to describe some Phillies fans.

Chop Chop. A two-minute slashing minor.

Chop suey. Any lawsuit resulting from a slashing major.

Gung-ho. Any woman excited to sleep with Antonio Cromartie.

Wok. The only thing that beats scissors in Wok-paper-scissors.

Confucius. What “offsides” calls in soccer often do to us.

Moo Shu. Any piece of leather athletic footwear.

Another satisfied nunchuk recipient.

Nunchuks. Most Mark Sanchez passes.

Lose Face. What happens when Bobby Valentine misplaces his funny nose and glasses disguise.

Save Face. Alex Rodriguez’s first instinct when attempting to field a bad hop.

Great Wall. Fenway’s Green Monster. Also what Manny Ramirez used to call the wall inside of the Green Monster.

"Not in the face!"

Chow Fun.A phrase often heard around CitiField, the most common example being: “Chow fun. Baseball? Not so good.

Tofu.The only kind of toe Rex Ryan won’t eat.

Szechuan. What people say to Juan Gonzalez when he maintains he didn’t use steroids.

There are plenty more of these. In fact, we haven’t even commented on what a clubhouse hoisin Bobby Bonilla was. Please feel free to add your own, it’s the only way we’ll ever conquer ignorance. Stay tuned tomorrow for a girl hotter than Kung Pao, Lori Levine.

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About Angry Ward 648 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.