NEW YORK, NY – I had no intention of writing a column this week, but then my wife decided to bogart the TV and watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. (An ironically named show if ever there were one, as these chicks look like a bunch of 70s kitchen appliances and random scraps of formica counter-top slapped together with a hot glue gun.) Anyway, even though I’m posting today, in my head I’m taking the day off. Here’s what I’m up to.
6:30 am: Dean Short Matt leaves a message on the answering machine. “Guy? Guy? Where’s the column, guy? I need that column. I’m up to my eyeballs editing an interview I did with Cory Lidle. Almost have it perfect. Also, guy, Rugby Wrap Up needs my attention. I don’t have time to chase you down, guy.” Beep.
6:32 am: (Eating bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll, looking at answering machine. Smirking.)
8:00 am: No time to waste. Meet Cookie at Grand Central. I know a guy, who knows a guy who can get us into Bowlmor Lanes to roll a few games before the place opens up. Couple of things you need to know: 1) I bowled my best game ever (200-something) in her presence and 2) Cookie one of only a small percentage of humans who actually looks sexy in bowling shoes.
10:00 am: Cookie and I kidnap Grote2DMax from his place of employment using a homemade chloroform made out of oatmeal cookie crumbs and bourbon remnants. We head over to Chelsea Piers to hit a few golf balls and shoot some pucks. Narrowly avoid running into Dean Short Matt who hits the ice just as we leave. He’s decked out in some sort of flouncy Johnny Weir outfit and he’s out there practicing lutz jumps, salchows, and triple toe loops to Nena’s 99 Luftballoons. Wish we hadn’t seen that.
11:30 am: Need to gamble. Horses would be great, but nothing cooking in these parts at this hour, especially in this month. Only one solution. Quickly round up degenerate horse players Cheesy Bruin, Sam’s-a-Fan, and The Public Professor and board Time Warp Tony’s Supersonic Time-Tripping Jet to California for a rendezvous with West Coast Craig at Santa Anita.
12:30 pm (PST): Two messages on voicemail. Message 1) Dean Short Matt: “Guy?” (delete). Message 2) “Hello, this is the New York Football Giants. We join you in celebrating our 2011 NFL Champion New York Football Giants and want to take a moment to tell you that we’ll be raising your ticket prices next year by another ten bucks per seat. Go Giants!” (This is tantamount to getting a bj from your wife and then being told: “Glad you liked it. I need a new car.“)
1-4 pm (PST): Everybody winning big at Santa Anita. The mix of sun, beer, bacon dogs, and cash brings out the best in everyone. West Coast Craig, channeling Hunter S. Thompson, is down around the paddock area and in Corey Nakatani’s ear about how he’s going to buy the Dodgers, move them to Oneonta, NY, and wants Nakatani to be his new lead-off man. Cheesy Bruin has one more Tower Isle Jamaican Beef Patty to go to break the track record. Sam’s-a-Fan is in the bathroom of the Turf Club, duct-taping his considerable winnings to his chest. The Public Professor is also shirtless and chasing Joe Pantoliano around the grandstand with a rusty knife. Cookie is down by the rail heckling Gisele Bundchen who in turn is yelling at the jockeys: “My husband can’t throw the ball and catch the ball and train the horses and ride the horses and be the horses!” Grote2DMax is silently eating a vanilla ice cream cone with rainbow sprinkles.
? pm: Somewhere over the continental U.S. the whole crew is back on TWT’s Jet and enjoying drinks and satellite tv including NHL Network for the Cheeseman, MSG for Sam, and Star Trek’s Gayest Episodes Marathon on LOGO for The Public Professor.
11 pm (EST): We land at JFK and spill out of Time Warp Tony’s Flying Cocktail Party and onto the tarmac. West Coast Craig wonders where he is, but goes with the flow. Another narrow escape from Dean Short Matt in the terminal as he’s spotted trying to convince some Hari Krishnas to visit the site.
11:20 pm: Different Matt and Junior Blaber pick us all up in an exact replica of T.C.’s Island Hopper Van from Magnum P.I. We jam that thing down to WXOU Radio on Hudson and Perry for a recap/nightcap but not before we pick up a bikini-clad Lori Levine who is running for her life down 14th Street with a white-suited Ray Lewis and coked-out Lawrence Taylor in hot pursuit. That girl can flat out fly in heels.
11:40 pm: Made it to XOU where Doc Diz and Ram Rules are sitting barside jawing about sports, music, and exes. Tall Matt is at the other end of the bar throwing his Super Bowl Pool winnings around like Pac Man Jones. Everyone has a drink in hand when Dean Short Matt bursts in. We’re caught. Day over. Only one thing to do. So we stick him with the check.
I have no idea whether this ramble will even be published, but do know that Lori Levine is back tomorrow.