HOLLYWOOD, CA – Apologies to West Coast Craig for treading on his movie turf, but the dank, suddenly-chilly East Coast weather has me thinking about warmer weather: Hot days at the ballpark alternating with the cool refuge of the A/C in movie theaters… Okay, so that’s a stretch since I never get to go to the movies anymore, but DAMN… that The Lorax flick was tolerable as kids’ movies go! Anyway, movies and baseball got kinda smashed together and got me fixated on what movies would be fitting tributes for certain MLB teams. Let’s take a looksie:
The Empire Strikes Back: Yankees. Naturally… right?!? Sawwwwwx fans have been calling the Yankees The Evil Empire for years and you know what? I’ll kinda take it now. First… both have a Joba. Our Joba ‘The Foot” Chamberlain had some pretty disgusting bouncing as did Joba The Hut. Both have gnats, flies, what have you flying around them, and both are similarly rotund in shape. And then there’s A-Rod. I was never a fan…and hold a very big What Have You Done For Me Lately? attitude towards him. Honestly, whenever he makes a clutch hit or play, I get that VERY creeped-out feeling, kinda like hearing: “Luke! I am your FATHER!”
The Fighter: Boston Red Sox: Who doesn’t like to root for an underdog? And yeah, I hate the Red Sox, but more than that, being a big fan of baseball, I’ll root for the players when their good and always enjoy a great game. With their eyes all bloody with chants of “NINETEEN EIGHTEEN” for years, the Sox finally delivered the sucker punch in 2004 to the St. Louis Cardinals. I was glad that there was an end to The Curse, mostly so I didn’t have to hear that incessant whining anymore. Like crack addict Dicky Eklund, the Sox and their fans were high on the notion that their team was far greater than reality was proving out. Eventually, like Irish Mickey Ward, they stood toe-to-toe with the demons, defeating themselves, whatever the excuse.. and won.
Revenge of the Nerds: Baltimore Orioles: They’re 11-7 and a 1/2 a game back in the AL East? Sure, it’s very early but.. GO NERDS!
Wonder Woman… The Movie OR The (2012) TV Series: Miami Marlins: There was an animated Wonder Woman movie in 2009. It was direct to video. There was a new Wonder Woman TV series in the works last year. Scrapped. The Florida Marlins become the Miami Marlins… no one knows why. The team changes it’s logo to an upside down Wonder Woman symbol abomination…no one knows why. The team acquires Jose Reyes… no one knows why (OK.. maybe the good Cuban food down there). The NY Mets can summarily sweep a team? No one knows why.
Spaceballs: Cleveland Indians: Gosh this team has sucked for awhile. But damn, this year its roster sure is wacky… if not for the personalities, the certainly for then names of the players: Derek Lowe (ho-hum… you’re done), Shelley Duncan (hot-headed ex-Yankee and Angry Ward favorite), catching… Carlos Santana (‘Oye Como Va!‘), Ubaldo Jimenez (when you’re bored just yell out “UUUUUUUUUUBALLLLLDOOOOOO!” Really, it’s a good time), Casey Kotchman (token Jew), Shin Choo-Choo (another Angry Ward favorite in name).
And with that, I’m outta here. I’ve got an “…informational interview.” (aka a “We don’t have a job for you but , we’ll talk to you so you don’t feel like a loser.” meeting) in NYC tomorrow and may have some obligations to a higher power now that my NY Rangers prayers have been answered. Come back tomorrow for someone who always prays, The Public Professor.