Angry Ward Wednesday: Five, Five, Five

Rupp Gives Marty a High Five

NEW YORK, NY – It’s all about five today people. I’m writing this thing as late as I ever have. Short Matt will probably be pulling out his hair–you know, ear hair, nose hair, shoulder blade hair–waiting on me. In fact, let’s just say by the time I submit this column it will actually be Wednesday morning. With those constraints in mind, I’m gonna go into my five-minute drill (not the one my wife named) and try to finish this here post as quickly as possible. In keeping with the so-called theme, I’ll try to keep it at right around five hundred words, as management prefers. Here goes.

The NHL Eastern Conference Fivals. Tonight at MSG is Game 5 between the New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils. There was a time, as Cheesy Bruin pointed out the other day, when Game Fives in hockey were pivotal, and sometimes even marked the end of a hard-fought series. Alas, those days are gone. As for the game this evening, I’ve got five words: The Rangers will win tonight. I’ve got five more words: They won’t win in six. Look for yet another Game 7 on Sunday night.

How many words is that? Crap! Only 194?

How About the NBA Playoffs?Anyone out there watching? C’mon, in basketball it’s five-on-five action for those of you who like your Cinco De Mayo to last all month long. The good news is that the Lakers are out. The better news is that the Miami Heat can still be eliminated. Apparently no one told LeBron & Company that you need more than three good players to win. But on this site it really doesn’t matter. Grote yesterday pledged his undying indifference in  the NBA. Cookie would rather be locked in a room with Jar Jar Binks than watch a single minute. Knicks fans have taken a vow of silence and some early tee times. The only big basketball head this place has ever known was Jillian “Ya Motha” Brooks, and even she was primarily an NCAA fan. Speaking of our Miss Brooks, isn’t it about time we put up some “Missing” posters in and around China Fun?

Dit Clapper. Where's Toe Blake?

Some Famous Number Five Folks. You don’t think five is an important number? Tell that to Michael Jackson’s surviving brothers. You believe those guys are still touring? There have been plenty of famous number fives in sports. Here’s just a brief sampling: Johnny Bench, Hank Greenberg, George Brett, Joe DiMaggio, Brooks Robinson, Paul HornungDenis ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba BA-BA-BA! Potvin Sucks, and Cheesy Bruin fave Dit Clapper (Old Time Hockey!). Hey, let’s not forget that there are five rings in the Olympic Symbol and that this summer the Olympics will be held in London, a city where any given person is lucky to have five working teeth.

What Five Will Get Ya. Inside any sporting venue a fiver will buy you just about nothing these days. Seriously, can you even purchase a bottle of water for that much? Don’t think so.

That’s 500 words on the nose. Come back tomorrow for an honest to goodness 10… Cam James???

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About Angry Ward 661 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.