NEW YORK, NY – The 2012 Stanley Cup Finals kick off tonight with New Jersey facing off against Los Angeles. That’s right, an entire state taking on one of the hotsiest totsiet cities in the world. But before you start thinking, “Hey, that doesn’t sound like such a fair fight, a whole state against one city,” let’s not forget that shoe was on the other foot back in 1984, when a scrappy little kid from Newark took on virtually the entire roster of LA’s famed, and feared, Cobra Kai Karate school. Thank God Arnold from Happy Days was out there to help him. All of that aside, let’s see how these two idiosyncratic geographic locales stack up against each other in other areas.
Music. In the battle of the bands, there’s plenty of ammo on both sides. We’ll stick with the living breathing variety so the Frank Sinatra/Jim Morrison steel cage death match will have to wait for another day. What it really comes down to is Bruce Springsteen versus The Beach Boys. Brian Wilson has been entertaining on many levels over the years, but you gotta give it to Springsteen. One of the undercards on this bout featured The Smithereens vs. Oingo Boingo. It was brutal. Edge: New Jersey.
Denizens. In Jersey you got a lot of guys in concrete and construction, if you catch my drift. LA is all about motion pictures; you can’t go anywhere without bumping into someone “in the business.” The question is, which of these two reprehensible groups is slightly more palatable. In a close one, it’s the Wiseguys by a broken nose. C’mon, have you ever spent any time with an Assistant Director or Key Grip? Brutal. Edge: New Jersey.
Movies. Too many to cover, so let’s keep it simple and go with Garden State and Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Please. Jeff Spicoli would crush Zach Braff up and smoke him in the back of a VW Microbus. Edge: LA.
Meet The Matts. It’s time to bring this fight in-house. In the Jersey corner you’ve got Short Matt, while LA boasts West Coast Craig. Let’s look at the tale of the tape. Short Matt went from being this site’s main columnist to its whiny operations manager. West Coast Craig, on the other hand, has been cranking out stellar columns every single Monday (even holidays!) for years. This one’s not even close, especially when you consider that Short Matt once lived in LA until the city got a restraining order against him. Edge: LA.
Famous Fan. Look, let’s be honest, it’s impossible to sift through all of the celebrity fans in LA, especially since there are so many poseurs. Both Alyssa Milano and Tom Hanks seem like the real deal though, but we’ll give the nod to Hanks since he and wife Rita Wilson recently smooched it up on the Kings’ Kiss Cam. Unfortunately for Mr. Two-Time Oscar winner, the Devils have superfan and ardent face-painter David Puddy, and he just can’t be beat. “Gotta support the team.” Edge: New Jersey.
Reality Show. The Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives of Orange County? If the question is which show’s cast would you like to see perish in a horrific blimp accident, the answer is both. Edge: Even.
Environmental Concerns. When it comes to toxic waste vs. earthquakes and wildfires, the choice is clear. Natural disasters just seem so much more organic, and therefore environmentally friendly. However, when you take into account just how many fake tits get put in the ground on a daily basis in and around Los Angeles County, that just can’t be good for the planet. Edge: New Jersey.
So there you have it, in all of the non-hockey categories that count, New Jersey seems to have a slight edge on Los Angeles heading into the Stanley Cup Finals. If it’s more in-depth analysis you’re looking for, I suggest you go jump in a lake.
Did somebody say Kiss Cam?
If she’s ever coming back, tomorrow might be the day for Lori Levine.