BELMONT, NY – It’s hotter than the Devil’s taint here in the Northeast and I’m totally COOL with it! I’m always game to wear some tank tops and shorts, and what better excuse to open a cold-frosty one, run your tongue along a salted margarita glass, or just pound some vodka rocks. Tomorrow should break this, our first ‘heat wave‘ of 2012, and it’s just in time to meet some of my fellow writers, Angry Ward, Cheesy Bruin, Different Matt, The Public Professor, Grote2DMax, Cam James (maybes?) and you faithful at Belmont Racetrack on Saturday. Naturally, Short Matt will be flipping the bill on all the food and drinks, and will be providing us a crrrrisp Benjamin with which to lay down some bets with. Seriously folks, if that doesn’t get me fired and/or docked of my writer’s pay here… uh… wait a minute…
OH! Did I mention that Mr. Cookie is taking the Mini Cookies to go see the Evil Mothra-In-Law this weekend to boot? Yea. THAT means I get to go to Belmont AND ride my bike a nice eighty-miles on Sunday. West Coast Craig, I’d TOTALLY drag you with me if you were here. But as good as that is… there are just and EENSY few little things that are kinda getting me hot under my non-existent collar.
Let’s turn up the heat:
HEAT and THUNDER: As much as I WISH I was talking about THUNDERstorms that usually come and help to break this HEAT, unfortunately … Screw LeBron James and screw some Oklahoma City basketball team I never even knew existed. Watch the last two minutes of every game (only two minutes that count) and PLEASE… stop dragging basketball into my summer. Late June is inhumane.
Here’s the ONLY reason basketball is currently entertaining:
When the heck are the 2012 Summer Olympics? When will Duran Duran be playing? What about the Spice Girls (Angry Ward NEEDS to know). I need to see hot, wet bodies (aka. swimming). And if you HATE the Olympics, at least tune in for some Usain Bolt (‘Damn, that guy is USAIN fast!), and the finest asses in the world… beach volleyball players. Trust me,
Brazilian + Beach Volleyball =
An Ass-tacular Miracle.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: What a President! Really. Responsible for emancipating slaves, then the poor guy takes a bullet in the cranium while he’s trying to take in some theater and THEN we honor him by putting him on the most useless piece of currency we have. AWESOME. Now comes a movie that he’d REALLY be thrilled about: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. (No, I’m not kidding about THAT either.)
Speaking of Movies… Katy Perry: The Movie. WHAT??? REALLY??? Whose idea was this? Is this some kind of test of who can ENDURE pain the longest? Not me. If so.. I’ll gladly take competing in an Iron Man at the center of the f*cking earth.
DIFF!! Please tell me/us any good stories you may have heard about the current travels of Lord Stanley’s Cup. Thank you.
Joe Mauer: I haven’t seen enough of that Head and Shoulders commercial he is in.
Yankees are in first in the AL East, Mets are in second in the NL East. So.. we’ve all got something to be happy about. Welcome summer and let’s drink to that on Saturday. Place your bets on summer kids.
Come back tomorrow for a guy who will travel up north for the Belmont festivities having done his homework, The Public Professor.