NEW YORK, NY – It’s August 29th already, and I’m kinda baseballed out. This is what happens when you root for the M&M Combo of Mets and Mariners. Unlike the hard-shelled candy, these clubs usually melt by summer’s end. So, of course, I’m turning my attention to football. Let’s not get crazy, I’m not sitting in front of the tube watching hours of exhibition football. Still, I’ve seen a few series here and there and been keeping up with the significant injuries and such. I’ve also been investigating some other angles regarding the upcoming season. Here’s 10 NFL Predictions For The Upcoming Season.
The Replacements. It looks as though Roger Goodell is content to start the season with replacement officials. That’s just fine and dandy, especially for those that like to see it raining challenge flags. But if these bargain basement zebras stick around, there’s bound to be a fatality. The NFL is just too damn fast and most of these guys have the footwork of Elaine Benes. What’s black and white and red all over? A replacement official.
A Different Kinda Mojo. As Jaguars running back Maurice Jones-Drew tense Mexican standoff with owner Shad Khan drags into the regular season, Maurice changes his name to Space Cowboy (bet you weren’t ready for that). Stories of his joking, smoking, and midnight toking become the stuff of legend.
Fumbles, Fumbles, Fumbles. Nothing levels the playing field like turnovers and this season the league plans to give the fans what they want by coating footballs with the same non-caloric silcon-based kitchen lubricant that Clark Griswold helped develop.
Turnovers aplenty this year thanks to Clark and Co.
Jets Offense Helps Cure Insomnia. The way The Sanchise and company have played thus far it looks as though the Jets offense may not make it off the proverbial tarmac this Fall. How good can you be when Santonio Holmes is your best receiver? The Public Professor will score more than the Jets this year.
Chad’s Johnson. In his first press conference with the Dolphins Chad Johnson spoke about what he might be forced to do if he couldn’t play football anymore. One of the things he suggested was getting into the adult entertainment industry. Well, times are pretty lean for Chad right now. Look for him to star in a string of football-themed porn features with titles like: Friday Night Dykes, Remember the Trojans, and Brian’s Schlong.
St. Louis Rams. Ram Rule #1, the Rams are gonna stink again this year. I don’t really base this on anything other than I can’t name more than two or three guys on their entire roster and Steven Jackson is officially entering his Methuselah years at running back.
Razing Arizona. It looks as though John Skelton will beat out Kevin Kolb for the Cardinals starting quarterback job this year. And what a spirited competition it’s been. The winner being the one who depresses Larry Fitzgerald the least. Next time Arizona may want to bring in Randall “Tex” Cobb. He knows Arizona pretty well and runs one hell of a shotgun offense.
Bridesmaid Revisited. This one’s for JG Clancy. The Minnesota Vikings will make it back to the Super Bowl this year… and lose.
Sh*ts n’ Jiggles. Vince Young will finally abandon his plans for any kind of football career in favor of joining fellow out-of-work QB JaMarcus Russell in a business venture. Together the two will open up a gentleman’s club in Dallas called Bigtime Busts. They then hire Pacman Jones as their head of security. A move that will backfire almost immediately.
Dezed and Contused. During the Cowboys bye week, funloving receiver Dez Bryant breaks free of his three-man security team, stows away in the back of a Chicken Express delivery truck, and proceeds to go hog wild in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. After visiting every banned strip club on the Cowboys list, he descends upon Bigtime Busts. Inside an argument ensues and Dez runs Pacman’s head through a Donkey Kong machine. Two weeks later Bryant is a partner in the club and its new head of security. Pacman, meanwhile, catches on with the Jets and their now all-wildcat-all-the-time offense.
Be on the lookout for our own wildcat, Lori Levine, and the never-offensive Cam James tomorrow.