RUTHERFORD NJ – We are amidst the pomp and pageantry of the every four-year distraction from developing pennant races that I call The Olympics (click that). Despite that and and the nearly inescapable college football debacle that is Penn State, a subtle but encouraging story is developing:
NFL Camps have begun.
If you are like me, you grew up going to camp. And camp was a sacred place. It was the only true escape from all that was elementary/middle school reality. It was a three-week hiatus from all of the constraints that normal childhood could possibly place on you. At camp you could refuse the cafeteria food and eat candy all day. At camp the skinny kids found a purpose when they realized that their unique ability to fit in a water main made them invincible at hide and seek. At camp guys like Angry Ward could make out with the hot chicks (they liked angry wards). The bottom line is that at camp anything is possible at camp. Even camp for grownups. So… I got on the horn and got a feeling for what is going on around the NFL Camps.
Steelers: Little Big Ben is injured. How did he do it, you ask? Well he tore his rotator cuff discovering himself. It wasn’t the act that did it though. He freaked out when Giselle Bundchen snuck into camp and subsequently fell out of his bunk.
Jets: All I can say about the Jets is that Mark Sanchez looks and acts more like Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer than he does an NFL quarterback.
Wait… There’s more from the NFL Camps!
Giants: Amongst all of the Madras, polo shirts and disgustingly beautiful quaffs at this camp, something scary is brewing. This crew is something like a cross between an Alpha Beta and a Tri Lambda. They know they are the cock of the walk and yet they are the smartest group of talented football players on the field. I smell repeat? No wait that is just Junoir Blaber (dare you to click that)…
My beloved St. Louis Rams/London Gunners: All I can say is that Jeff Fisher is hung out to dry like Ben Stiller in Heavy Weights. All of his players look like 12-year-old Keenan Thompsons and all the other teams made them play on the other side of the pond. What can I say positive about a team with a new coach, no defensive coordinator and the projected starting kicker is a rookie who played at…. Missouri Western? Even I wouldn’t be paid to go there.
Packers: The poor Packers could win the Super Bowl every year and they would still get made fun of at camp. If there is an SAT study course at this years summer camp then the following is the jacktile question: If Fat: Tiny then Fudge: …. Well you get the idea.
Patriots: I can only imagine that the Patriots camp is something like the Dead Poet Society. Every time I see that darn movie I hate it but at the same time I can’t help but appreciate how well done and prolific it is. The principal difference is that Robin Williams is funny and Belly-chick is funny looking.
Vikings: By fart this is my favorite summer camp. How could it not be? The entire thing takes place on The Love Boat.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the Janeane Garofalo to my David Hyde Pierce, Cookie – who must be drooling over Peyton Manning.