NEW YORK, NY – The first week of the NFL 2012 is finally in the books, and what a rollicking good time it was. Replacement refs, inane sideline reporting, and the return of the Fox Football robot. On top of this, if your team didn’t score at least 40 points this weekend, then you can pretty much forget about going to the Super Bowl. Here’s what we know so far.
Keeping Up with the Johnsons. Tennesse Titan running back Chris Johnson picked up where he left off last year by galloping for four yards on 11 carries against New England. That puts him on pace for 176 carries and 64 rushing yards. Prior to last season, I could have traded this guy for Calvin Johnson. Now I couldn’t get Arte Johnson for him.
Fish Dicks. The 2012 Miami Dolphins could be the worst team in football but who cares, because the 1972 Miami Dolphins are only 16 losses away from popping yet another bottle of champagne to celebrate being the only team to make it through an entire season undefeated. For a team no one could beat, they’re certainly a bunch of f**kin’ losers. Nick Buoniconti and company hope to one day be drinking bubbly out of Don Shula’s bleached skull. There’s nothing like humble winners.
Boomerangst. Chris Berman called the Chargers/Raiders game on Monday night. Here’s a short list of people that would be better at calling a football game than Chris Berman: Ethel Merman, David Herman, Thurman Merman, Michele Bachmann, Bachmann Cheese Jax, Stephen A. Smith, Stephen Hawking, my Mom, your Mom, Skip Bayless (yes, even Skip Bayless). You get the picture. Anyway, it appears that ESPN has extended El Blowhard’s contract several more years.
Game of the Weak. It’s 2012 and you can basically stream anything, anywhere, so why am I still forced to watch the Jets every Sunday? It’s brutal. Always has been, always will be. So what’s keeping the NFL from allowing fans to order up whatever game they want on TV? Sure, we have NFL Sunday Ticket but why not pay-per-view for individual games? In this era of high ticket prices and high-def tvs, who wouldn’t shell out say, 20 bucks to watch the game of their choice?
RG3 vs C3PO. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote these words last night. But something inside me must have thought a showdown between the hotshot new Redskins quarterback and the gay Star Wars robot was funny. I guess winner could take on the aforementioned Foxbot in a death match, in lieu of this year’s Pro Bowl. Someone get Goodell on the phone. (Ed. note: Just checked, and a few people have already posted RG3PO photoshop mash-ups.)
Get a Kluwe. In the feelgood story of the week, Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe absolutely eviscerated Maryland pol Emmett C. Burns after the latter called out Ravens ownership because one of their players openly supports legalizing gay marriage. Click the photo to read Kluwe’s post – it’s a real pleasure seeing a pro athlete who can write and knows when to pepper things with some well-placed profanity.