HONOLULU, HI – Did you know that they still play a Pro Bowl? They do! The NFL’s All-Star game, which so infuriated Roger Goodell last year that his face has become almost all neck, never got a cease and desist memo and went on as scheduled in Honolulu Sunday. The NFC’s 65-35 luau fire dance over the hapless AFC was so painful to watch, even President Obama was moved to question whether he’d allow a son to ever play in such an exhibition. Which begs the question for viewers with a choice: Iranian Space Monkeys or NFL Pro Bowl?
Vikings tight end Kyle Rudolph, who when he’s not playing football makes his living as an actual viking, won the game’s MVP for figuring out a way to roast a pig in banana leaves under the artificial turf on the sideline.
You know when there’s a big, historic game that leaves such an indelible memory that people convince themselves and others they were actually there? That won’t happen with this one. People who were at this Pro Bowl will actually convince themselves they didn’t even see the game. The Madden Super Bowl simulation – which has been right seven of the last nine years and eerily close on most scores (the Ravens held off a Niner comeback to win by a field goal this year) – got more press. How bad did it get? The AFC resorted to trying Houston’s stud defensive lineman JJ Watts as a receiver. JJ indeed proved he’s much better at knocking passes down than he is catching them.
The highlight of the game may have been the swan song for retiring center Jeff Saturday, who suited up for both sides – like Pele for his last game between the Cosmos and his Brazilian team. The comparison was really made apt when he bicycle-kicked Peyton Manning in the face.
At any rate, the Pro Bowl’s passing means the hype-hump is also passed. There’s only five days until we all collectively puke up in our mouths a bit for having to root for one of these teams. Sure, there must be one or two compelling stories about this game floating around, but I choose to ignore them…
Tiger Woods won out here at Torrey Pines for the eighth time yesterday and seventy-fifth over all, and is back in the discussion for that Majors record… but as Gus Grissom explained in the fantastic The Right Stuff, “You got it all wrong, the issue here ain’t pussy. The issue here is monkey.”
You ever wonder what happened to that IKEA monkey that captured the nation’s heart and fashion sense back in December? Turns out he was an Iranian spy and completed his mission by venturing into space yesterday. Kudos to him, though he had to trade in his stylish jacket for a straight jacket apparently. He looks like Hannibal Lecter in that thing. And how the hell is he supposed to work the controls? At least when we sent chimps into space (half a century ago, losers!) they got to turn knobs and stuff… and they looked cute in their little space suits. If monkeys can conquer space for Iran, surely we can’t be far behind from an actual gorilla in the NFL, can we?
The 400 pound gorilla of this site, DJ Eberle, swings in for an Ailing Ward tomorrow.