GASPARILLA ISLAND, FL – Today’s post is being written as I sit here a day off heading to sunny (I-f*cking-hope-so) Florida. I’m headed down for a quick few days with Ma Cookie and the Bawston Cousin Cookies. And while I’m figuring out how to keep the Cookie Cross-fit going on an island I’m likening and nicknaming Gilligan’s Island, it got me to thinking about some Celebrity Olympics that have taken place this past week. Let’s look at the form of these folks:
Best Prat Fall: I only caught excerpts of The Oscars but really this is all you need; you get the winners, fashion and speech highlights the next day. Regardless, I’m wasn’t so impressed. But what DID impress me was winner Jennifer Lawrence’s great tumble up the stairs to get her Best Actress Oscar. No, I have no idea what she won for… I think she’s the chick from The Hunger Games or maybe Silver Linings Playbook. Neither movie is on my list of flicks “to see” though I DID get my Shawn of the Dead DVD and am pretty pumped to watch that a zillion more times.
Best Fumble: Again with The Oscars… but it’s technically this past week, so shut-the-frog-up. As much as I love to hate a Red Sox-loving-knob, (I do love some Sox fans – my cousins and my friend, Trixie), I gotta tell ya I LOVED Ben Affleck’s movie, ARGO. And while I was already started on staring at the back of my eyelids for several hours, I was pleased to hear the next AM that he won. However, he TOTALLY fumbled the chance at end his acceptance speech with what has to be one of my favorite lines from a movie of late…. “Argo F*ck Yourself!”
Best Disappearing Act: It’s March. And granted, the release date is now set for sometime this summer, but shouldn’t Lindsay Lohan be out there stirring up some press… grazing a Hispanic with her Porsche on the way out of a garage? Fighting with her father? Exposing her jugs to someone in public? SOMETHING?! February would have been MUCH more tolerable with some Lohan hijinks.
Best Push of the Odds: This week’s celeb speculation is all about the details of Jennifer Aniston’s reported upcoming wedding to bad boy (Huh? Why?!), Justin Theroux. But all this drama re the dress and locale have been upstaged by more speculation that she is pregnant. And while I cringed at the term “advanced maternal age” when I was pregnant with my Mini Cookies (apparently if you are over, or even TURN 35 while pregnant, you qualify), I get how this is a big gamble. So, if the forty-four year old Aniston is pregnant with an offspring who MAY come out with her pre-plastic surgery SCHNOZ, good for her and that dude for getting one past the goalie.
Best Flu Excuse To Get Out of A Social Obligation: This goes to our face, Ms. Sofia Vergara. She was apparently bitten by the flu bug and unable to attend The Oscars. I call bulls*t on this one. She’s a newlywed and a star of the SMALL screen, so likely she just didn’t want to be bothered. Heck, she partied so hard last year at The Oscars, she ripped the ass of her dress and had to be sewn back in. I think she gets credit for a Get Out of Hollywood Jail Free card.
And with that, I’m off somewhere that I won’t be sewn back into a dress and in contrast… wearing as little clothing as possible. I’m still missing that Yankee bikini. Meet The Matts Management should consider this my formal complaint.