NEW YORK, NY – So, I’m sitting here Friday morning, typing furiously because for the first time in four (seems like FORTY) years, I spaced on writing my column. Sure, I remembered at 5AM as I was driving to the local pond for a training swim… but what good did that do? Actually, I remembered it yesterday after I finished what was to be a 50-mile “social” bike ride (which turned into a murder ride. I was the slow-poke averaging 18.9MPH. Add to the Chesapeake Bay Bridge 4.4 Mile Swim this Sunday and last Sunday’s stupidity of the half Iron Man at Rev3 Quassy, (where I had my worst race ever on a insanely hot day) and you have a brain that simply doesn’t work. But I found comfort in some of what’s gone in sports this week and came up with this tardy but thoughtful (used the brain) When The Brain Doesn’t Work:
1) A-Roid: Since BALCO, since “My-Cousin-Shot-Me-In-The-Ass-With-A-Needle-Full-of-Something,” since eating popcorn out of Cameron Diaz’s belly button (scratch that.. that was me with Mr. Cookie when we first met) hands, since SUCKING for nearly every post-season the Yanks made it to, since never relenting at being an ARROGANT F*CKING BASTARD, is there ANYONE who doesn’t HATE A-Rod by this point? If you don’t.. you must be BRAIN- DEAD.
2) It’s Not So Hot In Here: Jeez… it’s June. People are still playing basketball. Tony Parker and the Spurs beat LeBron James and the Heat in NBA Finals, Game 1. Ho hum. I forgot.
3) Michael Douglas.. neither brain... nor oral sex skills work on this man. This week when asked if he regretted his drinking and smoking as they may have contributed to his throat cancer, Douglas said: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.” WHAT?? WHAAAATT?? Jeez. Now we all KNOW why Catherine Zeta-Jones is so depressed.
4) Some Stuff Is Still On Ice…and that would include the Chicago Blackhawks/LA Kings and Boston Bruins/Pittsburgh Penguins. Both the Hawks and Bruins are up three games in their respective series, so it’d look like a done deal for those two in the final. Add in forward Gregory Campbell breaking his fibula after taking a slap shot to the leg (“gonna leave a mark”)in one of the two OT periods and you’ve got some good NHL theater happening these days. And I nearly forgot too, since the Rangers have been playing golf for a few weeks now. Sigh.
5) All the Jacko Money In The World Can’t Buy Paris… some common sense. Granted she’s a teenager and I don’t mean to make light of Paris Jackson’s suicide attempt but figure it out girl. You’ve got ALL the money in the world. You can have WHATEVER you want. Sure, you’re in the public spotlight and it SUCKS that you have to go to school and everywhere else with a security detail but make the best of it. Enjoy your lush life because there are plenty of kids who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. And quite frankly…if you’re that bummed.. you can get the best mental health care in the world at the wave of your finger. If you can call a Suicide Hotline before you’re slamming pills down your throat, you can make another call.
And speaking of making another call, I’m calling this column done. Come on back tomorrow for the smart antics of Preacher Collins.
