NEW YORK, NY – So, it has come to my attention that Short Matt is stepping out of the office this week to deal with some family matters. Like everyone else, I hope that everything works out on that end. But what kind of person would I be if I didn’t take advantage of the boss being away? I simply couldn’t live with myself… but then, who can? Anyway, this seems like the perfect opportunity to write something completely sophomoric. I really gave this a lot of thought, like five whole minutes or something, and here’s what I came up with. What follows is a list of famous sports movies, if they were remade by the adult film industry. I’ve broken it down by sport and do have to say that this is only scratching the surface of what could easily be a five-part column.
Baseball
The Bad Nudes Bares – A ragtag bunch of misfits turns a nudist colony little league on its ear.
The Bad Nudes Bares in Breaking Hymen – The gang grows up and gets a tad restless.
The Bad Nudes Bares F*** Japan – The boys head to the far east with one thing on their minds.
Au Naturel – Roy Knobs wants to be the greatest batsmen ever.
Angels in the Orifices – A bunch of ghosts help a baseball team everywhere… and we mean everywhere.
The Handlot – A bunch of neighborhood kids spend an entire summer masturbating in an empty lot.
Field of Creams – Farmer Ray Skinfella does a whole mess of plowing and seed spreading.
Bang the Bum Slowly – (*Film synopsis not available.)
Football
Brian’s Schlong – Heartbreaking story of a Chicago Bears football player who needs penis reduction surgery.
Booty – A Notre Dame loser goes out for the football team in an effort to get laid.
Latexheads – 1920s football team champions safe sex.
North Dallas Shorty – Mac Davis stars as a diminutive quarterback who plays big in the pocket.
Not-so-Little Giants – (*Film synopsis not available.)
Basketball
The Swish that Saved Pittsburgh – The first openly gay basketball player brings a championship to the Steel City.
Fast Boink – Coach Ron Jeremy turns around a group of premature ejaculators into ironmen, so to speak.
Cooziers – The boys at Hickory High could care less about a state basketball championship, as they busy taking it to the whole with their teachers.
Face Jam – (*Film synopsis not available.)
Hockey
Clap Shot – After an entire hockey team comes down with VD only penicillin can save their season.
The Mighty F***s – Charlie Sheen steps in for brother Emilio Estevez in this one. It’s for the best.
Poon. (*Film synopsis not available.)
…and some other titles in other sports
Golf
Caddyshaft – Caddying at Bushwood Country Club is hard. Very hard.
The Legend of Baggy Pants – Starring Tiger Woods and an all-star cast of adult starlets and a not all-star pancake waitress.
Bowling
The Bigger Lebowski – Jackie Treehorn hires the Dude for Logjammin’ 2.
Soccer
Licking and Screaming – (*Film synopsis not available.)
Bend Her Like Beckham – (*Film synopsis not available.)
Horse Racing
Let Her Ride – A young lady (over 18, of course) overcomes her fears and becomes a champion rider.
G-Biscuit – A young man goes on a search for the perfect technique to improve his riding skills and find a winning finish
A Gay at the Races – A fabulous movie about an alternative way to enjoy the action on race day.
Tennis
Wimbledong – A rare talent tried to win the one tournament that eludes him.
Surfing
The Endless Hummer – (*Film synopsis not available.)
OK, that’s enough. I am pretty sure I am staring down some sort of suspension. Come back tomorrow for a guy who wouldn’t be caught dead watching any of the above films (or would he?), Fake Sandy Alderson/Big Al Sternberg.
