Angry Ward Wednesday: The Filthiest Sports Movies (N)ever Made

Screen shot 2014-07-23 at 8.12.32 AMNEW YORK, NY – So, it has come to my attention that Short Matt is stepping out of the office this week to deal with some family matters. Like everyone else, I hope that everything works out on that end. But what kind of person would I be if I didn’t take advantage of the boss being away? I simply couldn’t live with myself… but then, who can? Anyway, this seems like the perfect opportunity to write something completely sophomoric. I really gave this a lot of thought, like five whole minutes or something, and here’s what I came up with. What follows is a list of famous sports movies, if they were remade by the adult film industry. I’ve broken it down by sport and do have to say that this is only scratching the surface of what could easily be a five-part column.

Baseball

The Bad Nudes Bares – A ragtag bunch of misfits turns a nudist colony little league on its ear.

The Bad Nudes Bares in Breaking Hymen The gang grows up and gets a tad restless.

The Bad Nudes Bares F*** Japan The boys head to the far east with one thing on their minds.

Au Naturel Roy Knobs wants to be the greatest batsmen ever.

Angels in the Orifices A bunch of ghosts help a baseball team everywhere… and we mean everywhere.

A-rod chest massage Meet_The_MattsThe Handlot A bunch of neighborhood kids spend an entire summer masturbating in an empty lot.

Field of Creams Farmer Ray Skinfella does a whole mess of plowing and seed spreading.

Bang the Bum Slowly (*Film synopsis not available.)

Football

Brian’s Schlong Heartbreaking story of a Chicago Bears football player who needs penis reduction surgery.

Booty A Notre Dame loser goes out for the football team in an effort to get laid.

Latexheads 1920s football team champions safe sex.

North Dallas Shorty Mac Davis stars as a diminutive quarterback who plays big in the pocket.

Not-so-Little Giants (*Film synopsis not available.)

Basketball

The Swish that Saved Pittsburgh The first openly gay basketball player brings a championship to the Steel City.

Fast Boink Coach Ron Jeremy turns around a group of premature ejaculators into ironmen, so to speak.

Cooziers The boys at Hickory High could care less about a state basketball championship, as they busy taking it to the whole with their teachers.

Face Jam (*Film synopsis not available.)

patrick kaneHockey

Clap Shot After an entire hockey team comes down with VD only penicillin can save their season.

The Mighty F***s Charlie Sheen steps in for brother Emilio Estevez in this one. It’s for the best.

Poon. (*Film synopsis not available.)

…and some other titles in other sports

Golf

Caddyshaft Caddying at Bushwood Country Club is hard. Very hard.

The Legend of Baggy Pants Starring Tiger Woods and an all-star cast of adult starlets and a not all-star pancake waitress.

Bowling

The Bigger Lebowski Jackie Treehorn hires the Dude for Logjammin’ 2.

Soccer

Licking and Screaming (*Film synopsis not available.)

Bend Her Like Beckham (*Film synopsis not available.)

Horse Racing

Let Her Ride A young lady (over 18, of course) overcomes her fears and becomes a champion rider.

G-Biscuit – A young man goes on a search for the perfect technique to improve his riding skills and find a winning finish

Andy Murray topless Meet_The_MattsA Gay at the Races – A fabulous movie about an alternative way to enjoy the action on race day.

Tennis

Wimbledong – A rare talent tried to win the one tournament that eludes him.

Surfing

The Endless Hummer – (*Film synopsis not available.)

OK, that’s enough. I am pretty sure I am staring down some sort of suspension. Come back tomorrow for a guy who wouldn’t be caught dead watching any of the above films (or would he?), Fake Sandy Alderson/Big Al Sternberg.

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About Angry Ward 661 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.