Week #1 NFL Picks: The Wedding Edition

Matt's wedding party
Matt’s wedding party

Short Matt was married yesterday and congratulations, I think, or at least that’s what is polite to say from a two-time failure at nuptials, but you truly are a better man than most. Leave out the “i” in married and you get marred which is what men are the rest off their life.  The timing of this wedding couldn’t be worse having occurred a day prior to Sunday’s NFL curtain raising. Turn your celebratory hangover into a positive by taking my advice on today’s horrific opening slate of games in order to offset the cash you stuffed into an envelope for Mr. and Mrs. Matt. I am back with the soundest of advice having hit on 66% and 60% of selections over the last two years, respectively. You know how I roll here. It’s the best Under, Over, Underdog, and Favorite…

Giants @ Cowboys I haven’t heard this much pissing and moaning from Giants fans since Flipper Anderson streaked down the Meadowlands’ sideline catching a Jim Everett thrown football in the end zone and proceeding through the tunnel and into the locker room to celebrate the Rams’ playoff victory.

The season hasn’t even started yet all you will hear is how sorry the Giants offense has looked in the pre-season or how disadvantaged the team is on defense without the pyrotechnically-challenged Jason Pierre-Paul.  In they will stroll into JerryWorld for a primetime affair with the Dallas Cowboys who will not abandon the run tonight even if ineffective just to prove that any able body can run behind the fat asses of the NFL’s best offensive line.  Combine this with a one-trick-pony (Odell Beckham) offense and this game doesn’t touch the 51 1/2 total.  Giants/Dallas UNDER 51 1/2.


Cleveland @ Jets The Browns scare no one on offense.  They will be the lowest scoring team in the league this year by a boatload.  It doesn’t matter who they try to trot out there or rot out there is more like it.  Defensively, the Browns will be one of the better units and keep them competitive.  That said, enter the Jets who have some decent talent behind super smart backup QB Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Those not in the know, Fitzpatrick’s jaw is in tact behind his forest of a beard and is a very capable signal-caller who will throw at least two touchdowns.  However, the problem is he will also be picked off twice and set even the moribund Browns offense up for some easy points.  Ya heard it here first.  Cleveland/Jets OVER 39 1/2, just barely.

Detroit @ San Diego The Chargers had trouble getting to opposing quarterbacks last year and lack playmakers in an aging secondary and in a passing league this spells doom for a winning record.  In fact, I’ll say 5-11 is as good as it’ll get for them in 2015.  Malcom Floyd, Keenan Allen, and Stevie Johnson constitute the receiving core while Wisconsin’s latest rookie running back flop, Melvin Gordon tries to handle the ball ahead of Danny Woodhead and Branden Oliver.  See what I mean?  The team flat out sucks.  Don’t worry about this one at all.  Lions +3 over San Diego for an outright win.

zzzzTennessee @ Tampa Bay This is exactly what I was alluding to when saying the opening schedule is abysmal.  The hype machine touts this as the top two overall picks and QB’s, Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota, face off to open their careers.  Zzzzzz.  Six field goals in this game, 12-6.  Wake me when it’s over to say I cashed in on Tampa Bay -3.




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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.