EL BARRIO, EL BRONX – Sorry for the late arrival. I am still working on better managing my time. Anyway, yesterday, I had my post surgery follow-up visit with my doctor. This got me thinking about teams not doing too well that could also use a visit from a doctor. Perhaps a sports doctor to help improve their condition, if you will. So I decided today to give a rundown of the teams in each of the 4 major sports that could use a little help. There are some teams that need a lot of help– like divine intervention type help, but we won’t focus on those today. The doctor’s in the house, whether you called for or not, and I’m ready to operate.
NFL: I could have picked a lot of teams but with the Jets playing the Cowboys tonight, I thought the Dallas Cowboys could use the help of a good doctor. Beyond fixing Tony Romo, who seems consistently broken, the team could use a mandatory head doctor for the owner/GM Jerry Jones. Jones is coming incredibly close to being the next Al Davis. He’s just an old guy running his team and not realizing that the times have changed and he needs to change too. They bet the farm on Tony Romo, let their best RB go and continue to have a poor defense. However, Jason Garritt is still there as coach, still safe in his job. Why is he safe? Well, because after some silly hires and firings based on god knows what, Jerry really likes Jason as a person so he is untouchable simply because of that. The team needs a good head doctor from Jones down to his players like Dez Bryant, then it needs to find a way to keep Romo upright and healthy.
NHL: The Winnipeg Jets or the Edmonton Oilers would be the obvious choice because of how poor they’ve performed. However, Winnipeg is an expansion team re-deux so they are cut some slack. Edmonton still needs the divine intervention of Jesus. The Coyotes are my pick. They are my pick because as a fan, they are a plague on the league. I get it, the 6th largest city in America should have a team from all four major sports. However, this team is mediocre and the fan base just doesn’t care. Sorry, but you can’t force fans to care. The Gretzky to LA move made every warm weather city want to have a hockey team but at the end of the day, these cities aren’t hockey cities. Atlanta crashed and burned, Tampa Bay and Miami (Florida Panthers) do ok when they are winning but when they aren’t, no one cares. That seems simple but Winnipeg is struggling and still gets very good attendance, same goes for Dallas with the only exception being Nashville. I don’t care about their mediocre record, they are being floated by the other 31 teams. They doctor recommends a quick fix: take one one-way ticket to Kitchner-Waterloo, Ontario, home of Blackberry and this will all be fixed.
NBA: The Philadelphia 76ers need Jesus, God, Yahweh, Zeus and Lakshmi, the Hindu Goddess of Good Fortune to become a good team. So they are beyond all hope for this season and next and maybe even after that. New Orleans were in the playoffs last season and they have one of the best young players in the game in Anthony Davis. However, they are off to a terrible start this season. I think the problem is two fold. Davis needs to get back to being a dominate big man. It’s ok to to face the basket every now and then, but establish yourself as big man and post up. The rest of the team also needs to step up so the big man doesn’t feel the need to do everything. If everyone just did the job they were hired to do and did it a lot better than they are doing it now, this team is back in the playoffs. Prescription: 900 mg of DO BETTER, twice a day, every day and call me in the morning.
MLB: Like our friends in Phoenix, it seems Tampa was best left a minor league baseball, Yankee spring training town. Apparently the stadium is on the St. Petersburg side of town and that is too far for fans. Even when the team’s young talent peaked at the same time, the fans were nowhere to be found. This team is like a chronic smoker. It is a tough and painful solution but simple at the same time. Put down the cigarettes or in this case pick up the suitcase and move to a sports city like Buffalo or something.
That’s all for now, please leave a comment below and come back for the Cheese Man mañana.