ALBERTA, CANADA – It’s Tuesday, time for your Weekly Dose of Whitney! Last week I discussed some of the reasons for the NFL’s declining ratings, this week I’m thinking about making money off them. That’s right, we’re going to make money off the NFL! This one is for you entrepreneurs out there: – 5 Opportunities for NFL-Related Businesses.
1. Butthurt Consoling Inc.
Potential Clients: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Cam Newton
For NFL players upset about being benched, taking too many hits, not getting the calls, or whatever else, we are here for you. Our expert Consoling Specialists will be quick to tell you that your 48.0 Passer Rating is awesome and that you are the greatest to ever grace the field. “There is no way you should have been benched, Mr. Fitzpatrick.” Our facilities are stocked with extra soft tissues to dry your tears and extra strength butt balm to ease the butt-hurt. We won’t give up on you like your mean coach, owner, general manager, entire fan base, teammates and anyone with eyes. No one can spin a 3-point victory against the winless Browns into a performance for the ages like we can.
2. Put Away that Gun – Chaperone Services
Potential Clients: Aldon Smith, Johnny Manziel
We know that being out with your boys can lead to some poor decision-making. With everything from temporary Gun Storage, to Sexual Consent Agreements, to Personal Drivers – we do it all. We know that it can be difficult to pick up a phone and call a taxi, so our Trained Manny Guards will follow you around and intervene before you get behind the wheel, get into an altercation or get caught on video with someone who is not your wife. Are you prone to accidentally shooting off a gun in a bar? Are you easily baited into an alternation by people looking for 10 minutes of fame? Do you feel invincible after a few drinks? Put Away that Gun is one stop shopping for all of your Bad Decision Management Needs.
3. Second Look Social Media Management
Potential Clients: Roddy White, Dion Lewis, Rob Gronkowski
Our Watchful Editors know all of the ridiculous things that offend people these days, so you don’t have to. We see things you may not, we correct your grammar and make sure you’re not incriminating yourself on social media platforms.
If you’re a NFL player, it’s probably not wise to gripe on Twitter about losing your fantasy football game because the NFL suspended Adrian Peterson for beating his children. We know how important fantasy football is to you, but these kind of tweets could make you look insensitive to child abuse. Our comprehensive market research has determined that child abuse is viewed negatively by the vast majority of society. Dion Lewis Tweeting “Aaron Hernandez homie snitched on him” is another example. It may surprise you to learn that murder is viewed as a more serious offense than snitching by almost everyone. If any of this is confusing to you, we can help. Before you look like a crook, call Second Look.
4. Paulie’s Penalty Prevention
Potential Clients: O’dell Beckham Jr., Vontaze Burfict, Dez Bryant
Excessive Celebrating, Taunting, The Tuck Rule, Taking Off Your Helmet, Late Hits, The New Catch Rule – who can make sense of it all? With 2016 on pace to be the most penalized NFL season ever, it’s clear that NFL players can’t. Can we explain what constitutes a catch? Can we explain why sometimes a tiny bump 6 yards downfield is illegal contact, while other times it’s legal to drape yourself over a receiver in the end zone? Can we prevent you from hitting a QB 5 full seconds after he throws it? The answer to all of those questions is “no.” No one understands these rules and no one can stop a raging linebacker from smashing a defenseless QB. We can, however, give you the tools to get around these “rules.” Our investigators will find out all the dirt on the referee crew for all of your games. What are their likes and dislikes, what things have they done that they’re not proud of, what are their deepest fears and longings? PPP’s Coercement Specialists are trained to provide the discreet gift giving/veiled threats necessary to keep those flags in the refs’ pockets.
5. Anger Redirection Services
Potential Clients: Josh Brown, Ray Rice, Greg Hardy
We know the struggle against ‘Roid Rage is real. We use a patented pulse and blood pressure monitoring system that notes any change in your anger level.
At the first sign of trouble, our Anger Mitigation Operatives will whisk you to a safe location. At our secure facilities, you will be provided with baseball bats, guns, and other weaponry of your choice. Don’t become one of the lowliest dregs of society by abusing innocent people who love you. Your rage will be channeled toward images and mannequins of supervillians like Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and Donald Trump. When your anger is ameliorated, you will be given a mild sedative and returned to your family. Most NFL teams will not give you a second chance for this irredeemable crime. Well, unless you can rush the passer.
P.s… Did someone say “fantasy football?”