STAMFORD, CT – My wife decided at the last minute to take our nearly 3-year old twins to her parents’ house in Michigan. I am unable to go, sadly, but good luck on the plane, Honey. Like Daniel Jones after his umpteenth straight loss, I am undeterred and determined to have a killer Thanksgiving on my own. I’ve decided to invite a few athletes, but I’m struggling with the guest list. Let me know what you think of these potential invitees.
He wouldn’t offend anyone and you know he’d bring the most predictable dish ever. It would be something that looks good at first but is “meh” once you get a closer look. It would probably be a bland apple pie baked without creativity, that hardly anyone would touch because there are so many better options. In trying to figure out what went wrong with his pie, Shurmur would act angry, but everyone would be able to tell that he doesn’t really know what went wrong or how to fix it next time.
Verdict – out
While I admire his dedication, Thanksgiving isn’t the place for politics. I know he’s better than at least two of the six starting QBs and all backups on the teams playing that day, but I don’t want to hear about it.
“Mitch Trubiski? They traded up to get that guy and he threw two picks against the Giants. The GIANTS. You know they passed on Mahomes and Watson right? Both black. Connect the dots people.”
Opening our pie holes on Turkey Day is about shoving more food in, not ranting about injustice.
I like his name so much I almost included him in last week’s Great Names column. In case you missed it, our own Angry Ward called it “a mic drop piece...” Anyway, his name is pretty much all I know about the Rangers fourth line center except that he’s a placeholder until a younger player develops and takes his spot. So you know he’s trying to enjoy his time in the spotlight. I’m guessing he’s the guy that likes to get after it when the lights go down in the big city. He’s the guy who makes you go out when you don’t really want to go out.
Kaapo Kakko: “We can’t Fil. Chris Kreider said we should stay in. We have an early skate tomorrow. Plus we’re too young to drink in this country.”
Filip Chytil: “I know Kaap. But that guy McKegg said…”
Door flies open.
Greg McKegg: Greg Muhhhh Keggggg’s in da house. Time to party.”
We’ll need someone to get everyone going again and fight off tryptophan comas.
Verdict – in
If we’re ever gonna hear more than milquetoast answers from this guy, it will be when he’s stuffed with food and booze on the loafiest day of the year. I doubt it would be hard to get him to rip on A-Rod, but I’m sure there would be some unexpected dirt. Maybe Jorge Posada is a tool, as we Yankees fans have secretly suspected.
His home run calls are brutal and it would surely get old every time a new dish came out and he’d be all:
“It is out. It is here. It is served! Welcome Bjorn with the creamed corn. I am jolly for this green giant corn. The taaaable wins. Thaaaaaa table wins.”
But I kinda wonder what my personal home run call would sound like on his way out.
“It’s Ben a wonderful thanksgiving. Turkey at Ben Whitneys was a big hit, see. It was good. It was tasty. That meal is gooone. (Down your toilet).”
Verdict – in
Maybe that’s enough. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, who has probably done a funnier version of this theme. Happy Thanksgiving everyone and thanks for reading. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.