WASHINGTON, DC: When Trump finally showed his face in public with a mask on, everyone should have just pointed at him, laughed and then taken their masks off. Come on… that would have been funny. Anyway, thanks to pressure from sponsors, and not any change of heart from the dicky little owner, the Washington Redskins are changing their name. That’s a good start, but I think some other teams should follow suit. And when I say “some” I mean “all.” Here are some suggestions for owners trying to get ahead of potential problems.
AFC EAST
Miami Dolphins: Dolphins are smart animals and this name is offensive to the dumb fish.
New name: Miami Jellyfish
New York Jets: What about the slow, regular planes?
New name: The New York Puddle Jumpers
Buffalo Bills: “Buffalo” Bill Cody was an old west legend. If you’re going to name your team after one guy, maybe it should be a more mediocre “Bill.”
New name: The Buffalo Pullmans
New England Patriots: Everyone knows that liberal Massachusetts is one of the least patriotic places in the US.
New name: New England Libtards
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens: This bird symbolizes death and is offensive to the living. Let’s go with a happier bird.
New name: Baltimore Cockatoos
Cincinnati Bengals: Tigers are a little too great and offensive to the lesser cats.
New name: The Cincinnati Kitties
Pittsburgh Steelers: Obviously offensive to lesser metals.
New name: Pittsburgh Aluminums
Cleveland Browns: This name is not insulting to anyone except them. Maybe changing to a color not associated with feces will turn this franchise around.
New name: The Cleveland Grays
AFC South
Houston Texans: Everyone knows Texans are generally racists. Let’s make it something less racist but still fitting of the city.
New name: Houston Heart Attacks
Indianapolis Colts: The horse is an animal that clearly considers itself elite.
New name: Indianapolis Ponies
Tennessee Titans: We all can’t be gods.
New name: Tennessee Mortals
Jacksonville Jaguars: See Bengals, Cincinnati.
New name: Jacksonville Pussycats
AFC West
Denver Broncos: See Colts, above.
New name: Denver Donkeys
Las Vegas Raiders: Celebrating pillaging and piracy? I don’t think so. The team should not waste the chance to change to something gambling related.
New name: Las Vegas Aces
Los Angeles Chargers: I don’t really know or care what a charger is, but this team’s name should represent the history of usually being decent but never great.
New name: The Los Angeles Shottenheimers
Kansas City Chiefs: This name is definitely not inclusive.
New name: Kansas City Middle Management
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys: Cowboys are clearly associated with violence against Native Americans.
New name: Dallas Ducks
New York Giants: Offensive to short people.
New name: New York Everymen
Philadelphia Eagles: The eagle is the symbol of our country. A team comprised of noted racists like Desean Jackson and Riley Cooper just can’t use it.
New Name: Philadelphia Bigots
Washington Redskins: Snyder will surely opt for something lame and generic when this one should be easy.
New name: Washington Redtails
NFC North
Chicago Bears: Bears have a history of mauling. Have you even seen The Revenant?
New name: Chicago Garter Snakes
Detroit Lions: See Bengals.
New name: Detroit Shorthairs
Green Bay Packers: We can’t have team names that don’t mean anything. How do we know they’re not offensive?
New name: Green Bay Tundras
Minnesota Vikings: A people that pillages other villages in the name of gods. Hard pass.
New name: Minnesota First Mates
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons: See bird teams above.
New name: Atlanta Pigeons
Carolina Panthers: Man, there a lot of cat teams.
New name: Carolina Dung Beatles
New Orleans Saints: Is there a more exclusive club than saints? But we are all…
New name: New Orleans Sinners
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Pillaging again? No thanks.
New name: Tampa Bay Horticulturalists
Arizona Cardinals: Cardinals are way too pretty for this team.
New name: Arizona Vultures
San Francisco 49ers: This is offensive to all of those who didn’t get rich mining gold. Let’s pick another profession.
New name: San Francisco Bellhops
Seattle Seahawks: There are so many bird teams that they had to start making up birds. No pretend animals.
New name: Seattle Clouds
That’s it for me. Leave your suggestions below. In case it’s not clear, I think getting rid of “Redskins” is a good idea. Otherwise these are jokes.
Speaking of jokes, come back tomorrow for Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.
