Big Ben: Don’t Stop at Redskins, All NFL Team Should Change Names

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WASHINGTON, DC: When Trump finally showed his face in public with a mask on, everyone should have just pointed at him, laughed and then taken their masks off. Come on… that would have been funny. Anyway, thanks to pressure from sponsors, and not any change of heart from the dicky little owner, the Washington Redskins are changing their name. That’s a good start, but I think some other teams should follow suit. And when I say “some” I mean “all.” Here are some suggestions for owners trying to get ahead of potential problems.

AFC EAST

Miami Dolphins: Dolphins are smart animals and this name is offensive to the dumb fish.
New name: Miami Jellyfish

New York Jets: What about the slow, regular planes?
New name: The New York Puddle Jumpers

Buffalo Bills:Buffalo” Bill Cody was an old west legend. If you’re going to name your team after one guy, maybe it should be a more mediocre “Bill.”
New name: The Buffalo Pullmans

New England Patriots: Everyone knows that liberal Massachusetts is one of the least patriotic places in the US.
New name: New England Libtards

BEN_WHITNEY, Meet_The_Matts, Daniel_Snyder, Washington Redskins

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens: This bird symbolizes death and is offensive to the living. Let’s go with a happier bird.
New name: Baltimore Cockatoos

Cincinnati Bengals: Tigers are a little too great and offensive to the lesser cats.
New name: The Cincinnati Kitties

Pittsburgh Steelers: Obviously offensive to lesser metals.
New name: Pittsburgh Aluminums

Cleveland Browns: This name is not insulting to anyone except them. Maybe changing to a color not associated with feces will turn this franchise around.
New name: The Cleveland Grays

AFC South

Houston Texans: Everyone knows Texans are generally racists. Let’s make it something less racist but still fitting of the city.
New name: Houston Heart Attacks

Indianapolis Colts: The horse is an animal that clearly considers itself elite.
New name: Indianapolis Ponies

Tennessee Titans: We all can’t be gods.
New name: Tennessee Mortals

Jacksonville Jaguars: See Bengals, Cincinnati.
New name: Jacksonville Pussycats

AFC West

Denver Broncos: See Colts, above.
New name: Denver Donkeys

Las Vegas Raiders: Celebrating pillaging and piracy? I don’t think so. The team should not waste the chance to change to something gambling related.
New name: Las Vegas Aces

Los Angeles Chargers: I don’t really know or care what a charger is, but this team’s name should represent the history of usually being decent but never great.
New name: The Los Angeles Shottenheimers

Kansas City Chiefs: This name is definitely not inclusive.
New name: Kansas City Middle Management

British Shorthair

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys: Cowboys are clearly associated with violence against Native Americans.
New name: Dallas Ducks

New York Giants: Offensive to short people.
New name: New York Everymen

Philadelphia Eagles: The eagle is the symbol of our country. A team comprised of noted racists like Desean Jackson and Riley Cooper just can’t use it.
New Name: Philadelphia Bigots

Washington Redskins: Snyder will surely opt for something lame and generic when this one should be easy.
New name: Washington Redtails

NFC North

Chicago Bears: Bears have a history of mauling. Have you even seen The Revenant?
New name: Chicago Garter Snakes

Detroit Lions: See Bengals.
New name: Detroit Shorthairs

Green Bay Packers: We can’t have team names that don’t mean anything. How do we know they’re not offensive?
New name: Green Bay Tundras

Minnesota Vikings: A people that pillages other villages in the name of gods. Hard pass.
New name: Minnesota First Mates

No room for pillagers in today’s NFL

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons: See bird teams above.
New name: Atlanta Pigeons

Carolina Panthers: Man, there a lot of cat teams.
New name: Carolina Dung Beatles

New Orleans Saints: Is there a more exclusive club than saints? But we are all…
New name: New Orleans Sinners

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Pillaging again? No thanks.
New name: Tampa Bay Horticulturalists

Arizona Cardinals: Cardinals are way too pretty for this team.
New name: Arizona Vultures

San Francisco 49ers: This is offensive to all of those who didn’t get rich mining gold. Let’s pick another profession.
New name: San Francisco Bellhops

Seattle Seahawks: There are so many bird teams that they had to start making up birds. No pretend animals.
New name: Seattle Clouds

Mining the bling

That’s it for me. Leave your suggestions below. In case it’s not clear, I think getting rid of “Redskins” is a good idea. Otherwise these are jokes.

Speaking of jokes, come back tomorrow for Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About the Author ()

Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.

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