“When I signed here, it was to win and not feel like I need to be tied to a specific role. If closing is something I want to do in the future, I do like it, but I like winning more.” –Zack Britton
NEW YORK, NY – If you’re like me (hopefully you’re not), you find some solace in other teams losing. Rooting for the Mets, Rangers, Giants & Knicks will test your fan mettle… and your sanity. Yours truly has lost his marbles over these teams too often to list, so taking pleasure in the demise of other teams has become a scar-riddled, pain-drenched survival mechanism. That road can be a bumpy one, though, particularly with the Yankees sharing my home town (more on the Stanks later). But you likely didn’t come here for a therapy session, so let’s get to today’s topics: Zack Britton, Islanders, Phillie Phanatic, Sevilla & Chloe McCardel
YANKEE THINSTRIPES (TM)
Living as a Mets fan in the city that houses the Stankees – in The House That Greed Built – is difficult, to say the least. The Bronx Bombers are perennially at the top of standings, vying for the playoffs and always out-spending everyone else. Their roster is always littered with expensive stars. Out of sheer envy and jealousy, many come to loathe them in short order. They are, in fact, the Donald Trumps of Major League Baseball: you love ’em or loathe ’em. Yours truly falls into the latter category. What makes them more despicable in recent years for those of us bitten by the Bitter Bug, is that they are impervious to what would be catastrophic injuries to not one but multiple mega-stars. Indeed, Mike Gianacarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge are currently on the DL IL. Making matters worse, they are now apparently Pandemic Proof. Aroldis Chapman was their lone name guy to get zapped by #Covid19 but now he’s coming back. But you know what really burns my ass? No, not a 3-foot high candle. No. What really gets my goat is the fact that while Chapman was out, Zack Britton was 8 for 8 in Save opportunities. Zack F*cking Britton. It doesn’t matter how seemingly depleted the flucking team seems, the Thinstripers (TM) always have guys that morph into Edward Charles “Whitey” Ford or George Herman Ruth. Meanwhile, the Mets continue to flub at every turn, as though they are doing it on purpose. All of this makes the following the only logical, self-evident & inevitable truth: I hate the Yankees.
Speaking of the Mets…
PHILLIE PHANATIC
Two things were enjoyable about yesterday’s mind-numbing, sweep-earning Met loss to the Phils: 1) The Mets broadcast booth and 2) the Phanatic. His lawsuit with the penny-pinching Phillie phront office in his rear-view mirror, the big guy was sublime in the stands (where he must remain as per Pandemic Protocol). Whether it be imploring in vain for the cardboard cut-outs to cheer or high-five, or spraying Silly-String in the face of an opponent’s cardboard iteration, he was just… phunny. What wasn’t phunny or funny, you ask? Watching two Met baserunners make the final out out third (including Wilson “Sloth” Ramos), and Dom Smith play 1B with a pizza box on his glove hand. NOTE: Ramos should be indicted for alleged game-fixing.
Now let’s go to Matt with hockey…
ISLANDERS
They won and are up 3-0. That’s nice. Watching the Caps vs Isles play is like watching the Yankees vs Braves for me, so that’s all the coverage they get today.
What about soccer?
SEVILLA
Aside from being the fictional home of “Miggy” de Cervantes’ Don Quixote and the setting for Georges Bizet‘s Carmen, Seville/Sevilla also boasts the team that beat Manchester United 2-1 in the Europa League semi-final. It is soccer, so that’s all we’ll say about the game because soccer sucks. It was eye-catching, however, because in rugby we have a global expression: A.B.E. – Anybody But England. That mandate can easily be applied to the Yankees. A.B.Y… Look for the MTM t-shirts coming soon.
While we’re talking really boring sports and England…
CHLOE MCCARDEL
Australian swimmer Chloe McCardel is in the news because she just swam across the English Channel for the 35th time. That is truly amazing, maybe she can get Wilson Ramos to join her on the next one. But seriously, it’s 10+ grueling hours of battling currents, jellyfish and changing temperatures. Doing it once is extraordinary, yet McCardel did it for the 35h time! It’s being called a record, though, and yours truly finds that puzzling. Yes, she surpassed the men’s total, which was 34, but Alison Streeter holds the record of 43 swims. Curious, and needing something to replace Junoir Blaber’s missing article, I dug further into this global story. They are calling it a record-breaker because she surpassed the men. This is like the Spinal Tap scene when Nigel has an amp that goes to 11. It’s a head-scratching moment. See, Streeter already had more than the men. She is the frogging record holder. What the flock did McCardel do that Streeter didn’t do?
And there you have it. Please pheel phree to comment below and come back tomorrow for Bronx Bomber Fan Club Vice-Secretary, Big Ben Whitney of Stamford.
