Angry Ward Wednesday: You’ll Have to Settle for the Colts, the Lakers, Daniel Jones, and Other Stupidity

MLB, Karstan Warholm, Simone Biles, LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Lakers, Rai Benjamin, NBA, Mets, Flat Stanley, Meet-The-Matts, Ward-Calhoun, Angry_Ward

BRONX, NY – In bad times, and in good, it’s interesting to see what people will “settle for.” Let’s take baseball right now, for instance. As I’m writing this, I’d settle for the Mets to stop playing lousy baseball, score some goddamn runs, and just win tonight’s game against the crumby Marlins. The Yankees would probably be happy to stop contracting #COVID. (Side Note: If you pay attention, you’ll notice that the Yanks usually qualify that someone got the virus although they were vaccinated or that a “majority” of a group of players that got it were vaccinated. No such statement was made on behalf of Gerrit “The Ace” Cole. Which makes him a true AceCole.) As for my Mariners, I’d like it if they could find a new closer to stop the walk-off bleeding. Failing that I’d settle for GM Jerry Dipoto being launched into the sun aboard the Bezos CockRocket. What other settling is afoot?

Indianapolis Colts. Right now the Colts would settle for key players to stop being sidelined with foot injuries. First it was snake-bit QB Carson Wentz, and now it’s All-Pro Guard Quenton Nelson. The Colts are really putting the FOOT in Football. They may want to start fitting their players for horseshoes. Just a thought.

Los Angeles Lakers. With the recent signings of Trevor Ariza, Dwight Howard, and Carmelo Anthony, the Lakers are quickly becoming the NBA’s preferred assisted-living facility. They’re settling for the “one last roundup” approach to next year’s NBA season. Can almost hear LeBron already getting into Danny Glover mode: “I’m getting too old for this sh!t.”

The Olympics. Local-ish Mt. Kisco, NY hurdler Rai Benjamin broke the world record for the 400 Meter Hurdles but settled for Silver after Norway’s Karsten Warholm broke it by more. Simone Biles returned and got a Bronze in the Beam. In my opinion, that’s gutsy gold-medal-caliber settling. Good for her! We’ll have to wait to see if the U.S. Men’s Basketball team has the mettle to medal.

The Minnesota VikingsI cannot rag on the Yankees with the virus stupidity without taking the favorite of all of my sports teams to task. The Vikings have the lowest vaccination rate in the entire NFL. This infuriates me to no end. Right now I’d like it if the Vikes just cleaned house of all these dopes, but I’d settle for Kirk Cousins being kidnapped by the two guys from Fargo. You’re not a patriot or a tough guy if you don’t want to get vaxxed. You’re actually the opposite. You’re NOT sacrificing for your country and you pretty much ARE a scaredy cat.

Daniel Jones. Right about now, the New York Football Giants quarterback would settle for not being at the BOTTOM of a Training Camp melee pileup. But, maybe something good comes of this. Instead of Danny Dimes, maybe he gets a better nickname like Flat Daniel, after the great children’s book character Flat Stanley.

Okay, I’m flat outta words. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz. Settle for nothing less.

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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.