HOLY HANGOVER: SUPER BOWL SUNDAYS SUCK

COMMON SENSE, USA – Is there anything worse than going to work on Monday morning with a hangover – aside from going to work with a hangover on Tuesday and Wednesday as well? No. Well, maybe… How about starting your dreaded work week hungover because you were obligated as red-blooded, dyed-in-the-wool Americans, to drink and feign enjoying a football game that you had a 1 in 32 chance of being interested in? We say there isn’t. We say that just stinks like poo finger. What’s poo finger, you ask? Find the nearest toddler and you’ll find out. Tall Matt will be glad to help those who don’t have a toddler handy.

Anyway, 99% of you reading this have been hungover the day after the Super Bowl. And we’d bet a tooney that at least 80% of you have been hungover more than once on Holy Hangover Monday. In fact, our MTM Stat Guru, Philly Phanatic, has helped gather more detailed data re the negative impact Sunday Super Bowls have:

Domestic Violence spikes (not football spikes) 56% between midnight and 3AM EST. This of course, is during the Super Bowl’s immediate aftermath. 87% of these incidents start as work-related squabbles.

Since 1986, response times by firefighters and police are down 94% the day following the Super Bowl. Studies indicate that responders simply can’t find the keys to their respective vehicles.

Brett Favre rumors are mentioned 61% more than any other day of the year. Dry-heaving, coincidentally, is also up 61%. Curious.

The Nation’s GDP dips by 9% as per the Debt Ratio Quotient because of inordinate numbers of Sick Day workforce absentees. It doesn’t take Al Einstein to figure out why.

Job Recruits are 41% more likely to fail drug screenings. Statistics reveal that pot brownies served at Super Bowl parties key factors in 96% of the failures.

The underclass of America misses 2.5 man hours of Productivity in the nation’s manufacturing sector do to trembling hands or Delirium Tremens. This results in Housing declines of 37%.

Bars and Restaurants earn 73% less profit on the Saturday before the Super Bowl. Patrons stay home, knowing they’ll be partying on Sunday night – and can’t afford to be hungover two days in a row.

Operating Rooms report a 29% increase in Erroneous Surgeries (e.g. cutting off wrong foot) the day after the big game. Bleary-eyed surgeons are being considered in a current analytical study.

The numbers don’t lie. And it doesn’t take Thomas Paine to see what the NFL and NBC clearly don’t; that Sunday night IS NOT more suitable than Saturday night for things like Shotguns, Beer Pong and Chugging. That’s just silly. But if you’re still not sold on our statistical analysis – and we didn’t even bring up the Philly Phanatic’s increased DWWM – Drunk While Working Monday breakdown – here’s our actual Field Test of the aforementioned activities:

NOT FOR THE FEINT OF HEART

Without question, even the most grizzled veterans need at least a day to recover from these extreme leisure time staples, especially when the Budvar Brewery in ÄŒeskÃ© BudÄ›jovice is on the itinerary.

That’s all for today, we’re having a liquid lunch. Cookie’s Corner tomorrow.