NEW YORK, NY – Happy Mother’s Day. It’s as simple as it gets: without mothers, none of us would be here. No sports talk. No sports on TV or in stadiums. No humans. Just animals – like those in the Yankee Stadium/House That Greed Built bleachers. So, whether you mother is still here or chilling in a heavenly bubble bath upstairs, thank her. Swoon over her. Get her stuff. And if you have kids, do the same for your baby’s mama. Now that we’ve covered the MOST IMPORTANT DAY in your collective lives, let’s get to Maulers, VanMeter & Miggy.
Maulers
How ’bout dem Maulers? F yeah! Who the fack are the Maulers?! They are not some new group of subway perverts. Further, if you’re like me, you likely didn’t know the answer until you started scouring the sports pages, looking for something that caught your eye. Ironically, that something really hasn’t caught anyone else’s eye(s)… it is the USFL. That’s the reboot of that league made infamous by Donald Trump, Doug Flutie, Jim Kelly, Herschel Walker, Walt Michaels. and some QB that looked like Tom Selleck. The [new] New Jersey Generals mauled the Pittsburgh Maulers for their 3rd straight win. There. You now know and can be the toast of the office water-cooler conversations. You’re welcome.
VanMeter
This isn’t supposed to be two separate words re some type of device monitoring the speed of your van. No. It’s actually the name of a guy that caught in a Major League Baseball game yesterday. So what? The guy hasn’t caught in a baseball game since he was 14, that’s facking what! Josh VanMeter took that plunge, donning the tools of ignorance after the two guys that get paid to catch got ejected and hurt, respectively. When asked what was going through his mind as the situation unfolded, JVM said, “Pure panic.” The Reds scored 7 runs in the inning by the way. Click this for the full account. It’s pretty cool.
Miggy
Miguel Cabrera (correct spelling) had been a Hall of Fame player over the course of his storied career. Now, however, he is among the immortals. And this from a guy that got traded, along with fellow Marlin Dontrelle Willis, for some pine tar, a bucket of batting practice baseballs, two packs of chewin’ tabaccy and… Burke Badenhop, Frankie De La Cruz, Cameron Maybin, Andrew Miller, Mike Rabelo, and lifelong minor leaguer Dallas Trahern. Even though the electric Willis short-circuited amidst alleged struggles with mental illness (that weren’t yet dealt with as they are now), José Miguel Cabrera Torres thrived. And he did so – has done so – playing outside in Detroit. Without a dome. Hell, Miami even has a dome. Have you ever been two Detroit? It is facking freezing all but three months out of the year. 
Yet, Miggy has crushed it there. And now he’s one of three players ever to have 3,000+ career hits, 600+ doubles and 500+ home runs. The others? Hank Aaron and Albert Pujols (who may have cheated). Well done, Mr, Cabrera – let’s hope kids get Miggy with it and try to emulate your stellar, drama-free career.
Speaking of stellar and drama-free, come back tomorrow for Junoir “Juggy With It” Blaber.
