NEW YORK, NY – With all this sports fever floating around; March Madness commencing, NFL free agency, hockey heating up, the NBA providing games like last night’s Heat/Celts game and a real MLB game threatening to break out any minute, I decided to take a break from all this traditional sport last night. Well, it wasn’t exactly a voluntarily break… I have a roommate from Baltimore and there was a Baltimore Beatdown on Dancing With The Stars; heretofore referred to as DWTS.
It was the season 16 premiere of DWTS (yeah, I know – just bear with me) and with the aforementioned roomie, it’s automatic you’re going to watch all two hours of the show, just to see wide receiver Jacoby Jones of the world champion Baltimore Ravens do the cha-cha for a minute and thirty seconds. God forbid he miss a second of Jacoby Time. Two other guys from Baltimore joined us and we watched… All. Two. Hours. Okay, there were very short Heat/Celts check-ins, because it’s not like they have things called DVR or the Internet these days.
Of course the medieval torturers/genius producers over at ABC knew that this scene would play out in thousands of living rooms across the country. Salivating Ravens fans, huddled together to get any/every possible fix of their favorite team – no matter how debasing – would tune in. Can someone say, “Ratings bump?”
And so ABC had Jacoby dance… last.
But how do you keep thousands of male football fans entertained for two hours while they uncomfortably watch ballroom dancing, unsure of when their hero will appear? Especially when their ballroom dancing means watching people like Victor Ortiz, Wynonna Judd and D.L. Hughley shimmy around the dance floor with the grace of a of cardboard box?
If you guessed wardrobe malfunction, then congrats: You’re a perv… and absolutely correct.
The geniuses at ABC scripted it perfectly. Halfway through the show, Andy Dick, looking remarkably sober and quite phallus-like, took the floor with stunning 
partner Sharna Burgess. The pair danced an awkward jig and presented themselves before the judges. Immediately the cameras pointed at Burgess. Something was amiss. In my apartment, the TV was paused and the wardrobe malfunction was officially declared. Twitter was checked to confirm we weren’t delusional. It was already blowing up. Where was DVR and Twitter back in 2004 for Janet’s accident? By that point, judge Carrie Ann Inaba was giving her critique while making blatant gestures at her own chest, in an effort to alert Burgess. Andy Dick was classic Dick and got in a few peeks.
Hook, line & sinker. Pure genius by ABC.
An hour later Jacoby Jones came out and put on the most entertaining dance of the night, even working Ray Lewis’ famous squirrel dance into his routine. The crowd went wild. The judges were impressed, except for the crusty old British guy who told Jacoby he was pigeon-toed… apparently Brits don’t know what professional athletes are.
I for one, no longer know what constitutes good two-hour-long television programing. Sure, my Ravens fan friends were excited for Jacoby but did we really have to sit through two hours of a show designed for adolescent girls and their middle-aged mothers to see him? Silver lining: The sideshow wardrobe malfunction was a bonus for everyone – and it was definitely an upgrade over Nancy Grace. Not sure what demographic ABC was trying to keep entertained with that one.
Long story short: we missed a hell of a basketball game. Ravens fans, I ask you: Was that minute 30 worth it? Can we please move on from your beloved World Champion Ravens? If you haven’t noticed they’re getting split up rather quickly…
Back to sports please!
Stay tuned tomorrow when Angry Ward mercifully follows through on my request!
