Angry Ward Wednesday: NFL Owners are Dumpster Diving Morons

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thruston_howell lovie_smith Meet_The_MattsBRONX, NY - The more things change in the National Football League, the more they stay the same. Back in the ’70s and ’80s, NFL owners used to regularly hire head coaches who had failed miserably elsewhere, so we were all lucky enough to see more than one clumsy performance from such coaching geniuses as Marion “The Swamp Fox” Campbell and Dan Henning. Though the practice kind of fell out of fashion for a while, guys like Norv Turner (three head coaching stints) and Wade Phillips (three and one interim) kept the flame alive for future generations of failures. Well, guess what? This year those seeds have borne a bumper crop of rotten rehashed coaching fruit. Here’s a look.

Ken Whisenhunt. There was quite the feverish bidding war for the one-time head coach of the Arizona Cardinals. Hey, let’s not forget that he led them to a Super Bowl. But in the end the Tennessee Titans emerged victorious over the Detroit Lions for the services of a man with a 45-51 career regular season record, who didn’t look like such a great head coach after Kurt Warner chose retirement over 10 more concussions. Still, maybe he’ll play Dr. Frankenstein with the oft-injured Jake Locker and this will all work out. More likely Nashville villagers come looking for both with torches and pitchforks before too long.

Lovie Lee Smith. The Bucs tabbed Lovie (do they get Thurston Howell as well?) almost immediately after jettisoning Jersey Trash Greg Schiano.  And as far as coach dumpster diving goes, the Bucs may have found themselves a day old, only-slightly-chewed piece of filet mignon. Lovie has  a career 81-63 record and took some fairly mediocre Bears teams to three NFC North titles and one (albeit losing) Super Bowl appearance. Not only that, but for once an owner is giving a black head coach a second chance, which is as rare as an MTM paycheck.

Titanscheer

Go Tits!!!

Jim Caldwell. And maybe Lovie truly has broken the recycled coaches color barrier because, as I sit here writing this, the Detroit Lions have hired former Colts head coach Jim Caldwell. Although many felt he looked overmatched and confused (like an old man in traffic) during his brief tenure in Indy, he nevertheless compiled a winning record and even took them to a Super Bowl, which they lost to the murderous, cheating, bounty-hunting Saints. So what went wrong in Indy? Oh yeah, when Peyton Manning got injured the Colts went 2-14. So perhaps the Caldwell hire isn’t the smartest move in that Matt Stafford is no Peyton Manning. Moving on…

Mike Munchak. Fired by the aforementioned Tennessee Titans because he refused to fire some of his assistants, Mike Munchak left Nashville with his principles in tact as well as a few shreds of decency (someone there should write a country song about him). He has since got a long lecherous look from the Cleveland Browns, who go through coaches the way my colonoscopy prep fluid went through me last Sunday. Here’s the question that Munchak and every other unemployed person in America has to ask themselves, “Do I want a job bad enough to move to Cleveland?” As it stands, the Browns may be unwilling to pull the trigger on Munchie in hopes of perhaps luring some other future two- or three-time loser to the land of midges.

Jets

Next Minnesota coach? Can you name him?

Meanwhile, there’s still failed former Broncos head coach and current Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels floating around out there, and God knows who my Vikings are gonna hire. They’re playing outdoors the next two seasons and Bud Grant is still kicking… I’m just sayin’.

Before I sign off, here’s a guy you want running your two-minute drill. Where was this dude when I was kid and wanted to get home to continue watching Abbott and Costello movies and football every Sunday?

Tune in tomorrow for the latest MTM Podcast (which is actually done and ready to go this time)  covering the Cold Stove League, Mets’ Needs and the remaining Free Agents, in a “spirited” exchange between the feisty Suburban Matt/Fake Sandy Alderson and a frustrated Short Matt.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • jgclancy

    Wow—eating burritos on the West Coast and the bonus of a Colon Clean Angry Ward Wednesday when it’s still Tuesday….priceless! I have a Great Dane, an idiot pitbull and a mutt chihuahua all staring at me like I’m their next meal but no carne asada for them.
    I hope our Vikings find someone/anyone that could be half the coach Bud Grant was…hell, even if Bud Grant were dead he’d probably be better than whoever they select.
    I’m just going to stop talking sports now and support and honor Qualcomm.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      jgclancy, we have a special tracking device that shows who you are, so that no matter where you are on the planet, it will always be this time zone. In fact you owe us 3 hours.

      • jgclancy

        Who am I now?

  • Padres Fan

    Go Tits!!! haha

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Welcome, Padres… but let’s make absolutely sure that you are talking about birds!

      • FakeSandyAlderson

        Or maybe Rex Brothers?

  • Cheesybruin

    After the Cowboys fire Jason Garrett the Vikes will hire him and Dallas will talk Jim Fassel out of retirement.

    • AngryWard

      It’s the ciiiircle of liiiiife!

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    Right now, Peyton Manning has as many playoff victories for Denver as Tim Tebow had. I say they remain tied after this weekend. But staying with the Coach theme…John Fox has won with Jake Delhomme and Tim Tebow, so I guess he’s legit.. Now it’s up to Peyton to prove critics wrong, or to figure out who gets thrown under the bus THIS time by Papa John Manning

  • Cookies Corner

    Have the put Josh McDaniels on a milk carton yet. And, heard on Sunday as we watched the Broncos game out of the mouth of Mr. Cookie: ‘Poor Mike Shanahan.’
    Yup. I made no comment.

    • AngryWard

      Mike Shanahan, like just about every coach who has worked for little Danny Snyder, is anything but poor. Cookie, it sounds as though Fake Sandy is picking the Belicheaters to best your Elway Horse Faces this Sunday. For certain you have a comment about that. Or are you taking the “silence is golden” approach, which is never a bad idea?

      • jgclancy

        Poor, poor Mike Tice…..

      • Cookies Corner

        I tell you (told you?) this Angry Ward about my Broncos and the Cheatin’ Pats… if the Broncos D goes into a f*cking COMA like they did the 4th quarter against the Chargers, they will get obliterated… and so will I.

        I hope Peyton has a great game, the lines hold up.. and Tom Brady gets STUFFED. I’m rootin’ hard for my Broncos.. but make no doubt about it… I know the achilles heel my team has.. and if it’s out there.. it’s gonna be ugly. I’m hoping for the best. The Broncs are a GOOD team and many times this season, a GREAT team. This weekend.. they need to be GREAT… and bulletproof.

  • AngryWard

    By the way, Happy Birthday to “The King of Too Soon” Grote2DMax who, if you count the years his twin boys have put on his life odometer, turns roughly 71 today. I’ll try to include an old photo of him later to show what the ravages of time have done.

    • Cookies Corner

      Nothing some predictable sprinkles couldn’t fix.

  • jgclancy

    This just in–no retread head coach for the Vikings. Mike Zimmer he’s our man if he can’t do it no one can!

    • AngryWard

      I can’t wait to see Pedro Martinez grab him by the ears and throw him to the turf. And the expression should go: “Mike Zimmer he’s our man, if he can’t do it… well… no one else could either.”

    • Cookies Corner

      I read that fast and thought you wrote ‘retarded head coach,’ jgclancy. I was gonna call the PC police on you.

      • jgclancy

        I don’t even use that word for Yankee Joe! Now let me finish my carne asada quesadilla and rolled tacos –I ordered extra to honor Grote2Dmax’s birthday since he’s eating Kraft Mac & Cheese or Happy Mealsthese days I’m sure…… to keep his kids happy.

  • Junoir Blaber

    3 Black coaches coaching at the same time must be an NFL record, no?

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