TROMA STUDIOS – It’s another Monday holiday here at MTM, which has inspired me to flesh out an idea for a new horror film along the lines of My Bloody Valentine, Halloween, or Silent Night Deadly Night, only about the holiest of holidays on the Jewish calendar…Zom Kippur. It’s sundown, everybody inside, that’s when the zombies come out looking for atonement and brains. Nice chewy atonement and brains. They attack the young Rabbinical students who happen to be renting a cabin deep in the woods at the time, ironically to keep them from distractions. Zombies attacking is a bit of a distraction. Of course we’ll follow the formula here, the ones who break the rules—grabbing a midnight nosh, for example—will be the first ones noshed on by zombies. There must be an Old Yeller moment when one of them is bitten and must be put down just as they turn. I haven’t quite figured out how it ends, I figure the last survivor realizes that blowing a shofar makes the zombies’ heads explode. This thing practically writes itself, I can see the taglines already: “Before Halloween comes Zom Kippur,†“Are Brains Kosher?†and “Fast…Or Run Fast.†Look for it at next year’s Sundance, it’ll be the new Dead Snow.
Don’t watch this if you don’t like a little blood:
I’ve had zombies on the brain a bit myself lately. It’s a favorite genre—really, you can’t go wrong with a good zombie movie—and there are a couple of good ones coming soon, including Zombieland, which is a lot of fun (and has a good celebrity cameo). The Walking Dead is a great zombie comic that’s going to get a shot as a cable show, and Max Brooks (Mel’s son!) has a cool zombie themed book. It’s got me thinking about the walking dead, and sports…and in the case of the Mets, both. There are zombies that are undead, and zombies that are alive but infected by some zombie-like disease. There are the classic slow and lumbering, but tenacious classic zombie, like Adam Dunn, and the more modern day zombie that runs like Usain Bolt would if he were a zombie. Now the idea of zombies have been around forever in Haiti and Africa, but didn’t make great film subjects until George Romero made Night of the Living Dead in 1968.
1968’s World Series winners were the Detroit Tigers, who made a magical run to enliven a city decimated by an economic collapse and race riots. This year’s Tigers have the depressed Detroit to lift on their shoulders, though the race riot may have to be between humans and zombies, because that’s what the Tigers have been playing like lately…their skeletal manager leading the way with a cigarette between his bony fingers. It was enough to scare Scott Boras into a mea culpa after Maglio Ordonez was tested for having a pulse, and perhaps being one of the classic slow Romero zombies during a contract year. This week they’ll have to prove that they’ve gotten the antidote, for their once comfty lead over Minnesota has shrunk to two, and they play four against each other starting tonight. That’s pretty much the last of the interesting playoff races this year…the only division that’s still up for the grabs, with Joe Mauer carrying the Twins on his back. Mauer and his bat would be a good tandem to have in the cabin when the zombies come.
The Yankees clinched the East with a sweep of the Red Sox, who too are starting to look like the lumbering undead…though they could become fast zombies in a hurry once the playoffs start, but they have to get past the fastest in Mike Scioscia’s Angels, a team so colorless and bland they could pass as zombies when the world is taken over and the zombies wouldn’t even notice them. The Yanks will have to take on those Tigers, who play them tough dead or alive, though they’d have to root for the Twins this week, since the Twins always play dead when they play New York. In the National League, the zombies are mainly the fans who still staggered in to watch the Pirates play the Reds during a day game last week…talk about a lifeless bunch, there must’ve been dozens of people there that day. The only race is for the Wild Card, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Rockies’ own zombie for a manager has them on the verge of the playoffs…still, they could prove to be the Old Yeller in this situation if they can’t beat the Brewers and the ever undead Braves can sweep Florida.
In the NFL, the season’s still young but there are a few zombie candidates. The Rams have scored a total of 24 points so far all year, the Greatest Show on Turf would’ve done that in a quarter. Stephen Jackson is constantly tripping over the hands that keep rising out of the ground to grab him. The Giants and Jets look like fast zombies for sure, while the Jets look to have eaten the right brains when they let Mangini go…he’s probably still a good coach, but what can the Browns do for you when they’ve only scored 29 points and have been outscored by 66? The Jets also should be psyched that when they inevitably turn to zombies this year, Rex Ryan should be easy to catch and provide days’ worth of food.
I’m gonna sign off here, and barricade my windows and doors now. I’ll leave you with this scene of starved Yankee fans waiting patiently in line to get their playoff tickets.
