by West Coast Craig
For the previous episode of The Manny, please click here.
FADE IN:
TORRE HOUSE ROOFTOP. NIGHT.
Manny is way up at the top of the three story house, fiddling with a big plastic Santa and reindeer. He stops to look out over the neighborhood, and glances down at the pool in the backyard. Just then a figure drops and splashes in the deep end. Manny is shocked!
MANNY
Dios Mio!
He leaps in after, and pulls the figure to the side. They’re soon sputtering on the deck.
FIGURE
Thanks a lot, Manny. My name is Jim. Jim Fregosi. And I’m here for a reason…you. You see, I’m an angel…in fact, I was a Los Angeles Angel back when they actually played in Los Angeles…but it’s been decades since I’ve played and I need to earn my wings. So if I help you out, I’ll get them.
MANNY
Wow, but Mr. Fregosi, are you even dead?
FREGOSI
As far as you know, why not? Now listen, you were about to jump off that roof, thinking you’d be better off dead. I’m here to show you that that’s not the case.
MANNY
Well, actually, I was just…
FREGOSI
…uh, uh, uh…look, my wings are riding on this, so go along with it, okay? You’ve lived a sad, bitter life…going all the way back to when you were growing up in Washington Heights…
TRANSITION TO:
Yes, the blurry lines obscure the scene. We find ourselves on an old timey sandlot.
MANNY (voice over)
Hey, that’s the old sandlot! And there’s my little brother, Harry!
Harry is playing outfield, and a ball is hit deep into the gap, rolling all the way into the street. Little Harry chases after it, not seeing the big bus that’s barreling down on him.
KID MANNY
Harry! Look out!
Manny quickly picks up a bat, self tosses a ball, and whollops a deep blast straight towards the bus. Harry screams at the sight of the bus, the bus driver screams as he slams on the brakes…just as the ball Manny hit slams into the front tire. It blows, and the bus screeches, skids, rolls, and flips up and over the stunned Harry. It rolls down the street and slams into an illegal fireworks store. The whole thing explodes, setting off a Fourth of July show that can be seen from space. Everyone races towards it except one guy in a cheap suit and hat, holding a clipboard. A Baseball Scout.
SCOUT
Wow.
MANNY (voice over)
That’s not exactly how it happened…
FREGOSI (cutting him off)
…and you of course remember a short while later…
TRANSITION TO:
Again the blurry lines…this time we find ourselves in the back of a drug store.
YOUNG MANNY
Mr. Conte, I’m back!
VICTOR CONTE (visibly drunk)
There you are! Did you deliver that prescription like I told you?!
He starts slapping Young Manny around, angrily…
YOUNG MANNY
Mr. Conte, Mr. Conte…I know you’re upset about the telegram, but you put something wrong in those capsules…you put something bad in those capsules! They were supposed to be Human Growth Hormones…but you put the Bovine Growth Hormones in it by accident.
Victor Conte realizes his mistake and drops to his knees to hug Young Manny.
VICTOR CONTE
Oh, thank you thank you Manny, I’m so sorry.
MANNY (voice over)
Now that I don’t remember at all…
FREGOSI (voice over)
Now look, an attitude like that won’t help me get my wings.
TRANSITION TO:
COMMISIONER BUD SELIG’S OFFICE
BUD SELIG sits at a giant desk as he welcomes Manny in and gives him a big cigar.
MANNY
Thanks Mr. Selig.
BUD SELIG
You like that? I’ll send you a whole box.
Manny sits opposite the desk, in a miniature chair. His head barely sees over the desk.
BUD SELIG
Now Manny, the Boston Red Sox have just made a trade for you, and I have to approve it. The Red Sox have had a tough go of it, and I want to make sure that they’re not making another terrible mistake with you and your…character. My people, the owners, have been taking it pretty hard since our little labor dispute, and we need good hearted, upstanding young players to help change the image, clean cut players like Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa who hold the integrity of the game sacred, and help make my people a lot of money…(grumbles) since I can’t put a cap on their salaries…so I want to know that you will hold to the values of hard work and decency that makes our business, I mean game so great, without making life difficult for anybody with any screwy antics and less than appropriate attitude. I’ll make all of your wildest wishes come true if you just straighten up and fly right!
MANNY
Well, that’s a kind offer Mr. Selig…but the answer is no! I’ve got to be Manny being Manny being Manny…and hasn’t this game always had colorful characters? From Rube Waddell to Babe Ruth to Mark Fidrich, doesn’t that bring out better customers, and in turn make more money for you people? We’re human beings too…but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, we’re just cattle. Well, in my book, I don’t need a big Red Sox contract to be a richer man than you’ll ever be!
SCOTT BORAS
(who was hiding in the back until now)
Uh, Manny…yes you do.
MANNY
Oh. Okay then.
TRANSITION TO:
TORRE HOUSE. ANDREA’S BEDROOM. BEDTIME.
Andrea is getting tucked in by Manny. We may notice that she has two Muppet dolls nearby, Bert and Ernie.
MANNY
Okay little girl, time for beddie bye. Hey…how’d you get that black eye?
ANDREA
Oh, one of the boys at school was making fun of you, and said you cost the Dodgers the chance at the World Series this year…so we got in a fight. He gave me this, but I punched him in the jaw and got these…
She holds out her hand, revealing a fistful of broken teeth.
MANNY
Oh, that’s my special little girl…but it’s Christmas Eve and if you want Santa to come, you’ve got to go to sleep, so let me hang onto those.
ANDREA
Okay Manny…but how can the real Santa land on the roof, first of all, without snow here in L.A., and second of all, with that cheap plastic Santa already up there.
MANNY
Okay, I’ll make you a deal…you go to sleep, and I’ll go up there and take the Santa down.
He turns out the lights on his way out, and we…
CUT TO:
TORRE POOL HOUSE. OUT BACK.
Jim Fregosi is finishing toweling off his hair as Manny sits there, looking confused.
MANNY
So, Mr. Jim, how does any of this help you get your wings?
FREGOSI
I’ve got to show you what life would be like without Manny Ramirez in it!
MANNY
But I’m perfectly happy with my life right now, I love Los Angeles, I love the fans, Mr. Joe’s been good to me…
FREGOSI (looking up)
What’s that Joseph? Yes, I think that just might work. Okay Manny, you’ve got your wish…you were never born!
MANNY
What?!
FREGOSI
Let’s step outside and take a look…
CUT TO:
LOS ANGELES is on fire, palm trees are burning in the wind. The Torre house is now a giant ugly mansion with all sorts of obnoxious add-ons. DANE COOK steps out with a shotgun and starts firing away at Manny.
DANE COOK
Get out of here, nobody trespasses on Dane Cook’s house!
As Manny and Fregosi race out of there, Fregosi explains
FREGOSI
Yes, Dane Cook is now the biggest box office star in the world, and has bought his own studio. You see, when you saved your brother, one of the people who died in that fiery bus crash that now never happened went on to become a mad scientist who invented a toxic gas that makes people think that un-funny is actually funny.
They sprint around the front of the house, and down the street. A freaked Manny bumps against a parked car, setting off its annoying car alarm.
FREGOSI
Hey, another angel just got his wings! Every time a car alarm goes off, an angel gets his wings.
They come to a stop by a newspaper box. The paper inside has a headline that reads “BONDS GIVEN NEW CONTRACT WORTH GNP OF CHILEâ€
FREGOSI
Yes, when you saved Victor Conte’s career, he became smarter and now steroids are perfectly legal, so Barry Bonds has over 1000 home runs and has won six straight World Series MVP awards for San Francisco.
MANNY
Dios Mio! San Francisco? Six in a row? But that means…
FREGOSI
Yes, it means the Red Sox have still never won the World Series…and, sadly, Boston is no longer a city, having burned itself to the ground after the riots of 2007, when they blew a 3-0 ALCS lead against the Yankees.
MANNY screams and runs into an alley, colliding with the shopping cart of a HOMELESS GUY. The Homeless Guy hisses and runs away.
FREGOSI
There goes the guy who used to be called West Coast Craig. He used to come up with an occasionally readable post for a fringe website full of malcontents and degenerates, but without you he hasn’t been able to come up with any decent running characters and his posts rambled on longer and longer until he was fired. Now he picks up spare change mopping up the floors of porno theaters.
Manny watches the poor sap go, then spies lying in the spilled rubbish of the shopping cart, the Bert and Ernie muppets.
MANNY
Bert! Ernie! Don’t you know me? Oh no, this is horrible. Mr. Jim, I want to go back, I want to live! Please, give me another chance!
Fregosi smiles, and we
CUT TO:
Manny is back in front of the Torre house, which looks normal again. The lights go on on the front porch as JOE TORRE looks outside.
JOE TORRE
Everything okay, Manny?
Manny looks up, surprised. He reaches into his pocket and finds…
MANNY
Andrea’s teeth!
He is overjoyed. He runs and he leaps into Joe Torre’s arms.
MANNY
Oh Mr. Joe, everything’s back the way it was.
JOE TORRE
Well, not quite…that Santa on the roof just fell off and is now floating in the pool You mind getting it out of there?
MANNY
Sure thing, Mr. Joe, it’d be the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done!
Joe Torre looks at him with his usual confused bemusement, then starts back inside. In the distance, a car alarm goes off. Manny looks up and smiles.
MANNY
Way to go, Mr. Jim. Way to go.
THE END
