MALVERNE, NY – On this web-thing that is MeetTheMatts.com, we dote on supposed sports heroes, make fun of them when they fall and giggle at their foolishness. That’s what we do as sports fans hosting a sports comedy whateverthisis. But every now and then, something grabs us, snatches us from our silliness and forces to look over our big blue sunglasses and act in a near-adult like fashion. This is one of those times.
Despite Snowmageddon and the near-hysterical pleas of Cable Weather Alarmists, we journeyed here for a special guy, Robert E. Piccapietra. Bob, as he was known, passed away this week after a great run. His wife/love Audrey, preceded him 4 years ago and he wasn’t exactly trying to send the game into overtime down here, not without his girl around to cheer him on. Our pals Robin and Kim and Emil were lucky enough to call him Daddy and that’s how we had the pleasure of meeting him. He was a great guy, better father and even better husband. On top of that, he was a tried and true Marine and got his first tattoo – a Marine tattoo – when he was on the wiser side of 74 years young because Audrey wouldn’t let him while she was around. Suffice to say, Semper Fi was his mantra in all that he did. Plain and simple, Bob was a hero. And he was so honored by two extremely sharp active Marines, who folded an American Flag in front of where he lay and presented it to his kids. That was cool. Bob would have dug it… And Bob would get a kick out of having his name on here but he’d wonder, like most of you are, how the Sam Hill we’re going to tie this into revamping the Winter Olympics. Well, it’s easy, actually.
We were in the funeral home parking lot and saw some teenage Malvernians playing King of Hill on a 2-story pile of snow. That’s when it hit us like Bob would hit anyone threatening his family, friends or country: Take the games we played as kids and put them in the Olympics:
KING OF THE HILL (KOTH): Make 4 huge piles of snow, that are say 4-stories high, 50 square yards at the base and 15 yards wide on top. Each country has 10 players. The whistle sounds and they all race to the top, fighting as they go. If a player touches the ground, that player is out. The country with the last player on top… Wins!
SNOWBALL FIGHT This could be combined with the King Of The Hill (KOTH) competition to form the new Nordic Biathlon. Each country’s players must snowshoe 1 mile to KOTH Mountain. On the way, they must make as many snowballs as possible and store them in a backpack. Teams arriving first are able to form snow walls to hide behind. Once a player is hit in the head, they are eliminated. They may attempt to climb the KOTH Mountain while under fire but it’s probably better to exhaust all snowballs first.
FREEZE TAG: On a football-sized field, 2 countries face-off with 10 Scramblers and 1 It. Once you’re tagged, you stand frozen until the game is over.
SMEAR THE… SLEDDER: On Flexible Flyers, each country has their sledder try to get to the bottom of a 50-yard hill. The opposing country has Two Interceptors strategically placed on the run. Their mission: Knock the sledders off their sleds. Jump on them. Fight them as they go… We’re still working out the details.
ICE DERBY: This is a combination of that dopey ice relay and roller derby. It’s a contact sport. Think Speed Skating with a masculine version of Apolo Ohno, who got ejected for acting like he didn’t want to touch the Canadian’s butt. Uh huh. Sure, Apolo.
Apolo and the guys prep for a night of Towel-Snapping.
CANED CURLING: It’s Curling with a twist; the sweepers are subject to a caning by broom-weilding opponents running on the sides of the curling ice lane. They may fight back but need to focus on getting their rocks off… On the right path. They get housed in the house while protecting their stones. We’d watch that and current Curlers could prove, once and for all, that they belong.
Anyway, Bob Piccapietra would likely like our ideas and give a few good ones off his own. And he’d probably want to try them all. Rest In Peace, Mr. Pic. And thank you for your service.
- You will be missed.
Here’s to you, Bob.
That’s all for today, we’re snowboarding with Replacement Matt in Plattekille and pre-testing some of our proposed Olympic events. Please feel free to offer your Olympic Game suggestions and check back in with Rex O’Rourke tomorrow.
Princeton’s freshman-sophomore snowball fight of 1892-93 left Darwin R. James, John P. Poe, and Arthur L. Wheeler of the Class of 1895 looking like disconsolate pugilists. Did they sit for this portrait to bear witness to their bravery in battle or to protest the practice of filling snowballs with rocks? No one knows now.