MT. SINAI, EGYPT – Sick of the weather and in need of some sun, I took the MeetTheMatts.com assignment to high tail it to Egypt and check out why this whole Peace in the Middle East thing is taking so long. Even Menachem Begin himself, is getting restless in his grave waiting for the ground to stop rumbling with all the bombing going on in the region. Luckily, I got the last seat on an El Al flight, which was vacated by a one, Rahm Emanuel. Seems that the people in neighboring Israel don’t want him back for claiming something – NOT someone – was retarded. Good thing the whistle-blower of that conversation hasn’t been on MTM lately.
There’s been plenty of STUPID going on in the world of sports lately. As Angry Ward attested to, the entire Met organization is taking stupid to a whole new level – a level which will now be known as ASS CLOWNS. Actually, Bozo The Clown read Angruu Wardinnen’s masterpiece on Wednesday and was offended we called the Wilpons & Co., clowns… An insult to clowns. Alas, my trip here has been for the sole purpose of getting up to Mount Sinai and bringing down some long overdue and sorely needed, mostly sports commandments.
1) TIGER WOODS’ Tail Commandment: Thou shalt not sleep with too many floozies so as not to jeopardize your hundreds of millions of dollars. And thou shalt not sleep with fugly waitresses from horrid chain restaurants either. (However, if you do, see the Kobe Bryant Gigantic Purple Diamond Appeasement clause.)
2) STEVE MCNAIR Crazy To There Commandment: Thou shalt not pen thyself up in a tiny, condo apartment with a crazy girlfriend (just out of her TEENS) without frisking her first.
3) PETE ROSE By A Nose Commandment: Thou shalt not bet on the sport you are managing, thus jeopardizing any shot that you will ever get into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Dumb. We do give Rose a point for always betting on the team he was then managing, the Cincinnati Reds.
4) MAGIC JOHNSON Raincoat Your Johnson Commandment: Thou shalt not have sex without proper protection. Sure, you’re famous and chicks are throwing themselves at your feet. But would it kill ya to wear a raincoat?!? More likely, it would kill you NOT to in the age of AIDS and HIV. Perhaps Magc was in rush because he had a job to do. To quote Magic: “I confess . . . I did my best to accommodate as many women as I could — most of them through unprotected sex.” YES…he actually said that. Now read it again to fully appreciate the richness of that quote.
5) Dirty Needle Dumb-Ass Commandment: Thou shalt not inject steroids and claim you didn’t, especially if people saved the dirty needles. Thou also shalt not let your “cousin” inject anything into your buttocks without first knowing what it is. We don’t have to explain this one… And seriously, when you say someone injected you in the buttocks, you sound stupider than Forrest Gump.
6) For Whom The Eight Belles Toll Commandment: Thou shalt not continue running once bone has protruded through the flesh of your leg. Joe Theismann gets extra points here for abiding.
7) Rip Torn/Gary Coleman Commandment: Thou shalt not break the law if you are famous and not able to disguise yourself. Rip Torn and Gary Coleman cannot disguise themselves, yet The Ripper tries to rob a bank and not be recognized?!? Come on. Torn is just funny at this point… as always. (Selfishly wanted to work in Rip Torn media here).
#8 Goldfinger In Mouth Commandment: Thou shalt not flip the bird to anyone – no matter how much they are heckling you. Rex Ryan’s FAT middle finger is now worth $50,000. As a sub-heading to this commandment, we have the Sean Avery Sloppy Seconds Side Note:
9) BRETT FAVRE Cried-Wolf Retirement Commandment: Thou shalt not retire, sobbing like a sap, more than once. Brett Favre has retired so many times, The Boy Who Cried Wolf is being renamed The Favre Who Cried Wolf. A lesson should have been learned by Brett, now perhaps ending his career with one of the most ego-maniacal, backfiring and DUMB moves in NFL history. We still haven’t gotten his retirement edition this year – but we will. Hopefully he’ll take a page out of Kurt Warner’s retirement speech. No tears included.
10) Gilbert Arenas Artillery Commandment: Thou shalt not pack heat in your locker. Furthermore, thou shalt not make gun gestures with your fingers beforehand, thereby leading to overblown coverage after you get busted for the pistol altercation to follow later. This Commandment has sub-Commandment Plaxico Pistol Promise: Thou shalt not carry a loaded pistol in yo’ pants.
And in case you’re curious, there could have been fifteen commandments…TWENTY even. I pulled a Mel Brooks in History of the World: Part I and dropped a tablet, so feel free to chime in with your additional commandments.
Junior Blaber, tomorrow.