OLYMPIC TALE TUESDAY: VONN CUTS CHEESE AND ALL BODES WELL

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Vonn, Miller and a friend “relax” in Vancouver.

BRITISH COLUMBIA – Like Australia and the United States, British Columbia is yet another jewel of Mother Nature that MTM regular Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson’s beloved monarchs let get away. Vancouver and Whistler are particularly spectacular and the perfect setting for our Olympic Tale Tuesday. So, we’ll put American Greed on pause, and get on with it:

BODE MILLER: This former Bad Boy won the bronze medal in the Olympic downhill and that tops a day of surprises. Miller Time in the sport has been predominantly après-ski for Bode since 2005. But yesterday’s bronze is his 3rd medal – he got two silvers in 2002 – and they combine with his 32 World Cup victories to make him America’s most successful alpine skier. Not bad for a guy whose nutty parents named one of his sisters Genesis Wren Bungo Windrushing Turtleheart and his younger brother Nathaniel Kinsman Ever Chelone Skan. They also lived on 450 acres of forest without electricity or indoor plumbing. Yet, like the Atlanta Braves, he didn’t win nearly as much as some say he should have and his preference for partying during the 2006 Turin Games was portrayed as Lindsay Lohan-esque. But this Bode is a Miller Lite; a mellower, 32-year-old dad of a two-year-old daughter and a helluva lot humbler. This version Bodes well for the ol’ U.S.& A. and quite frankly, we like him.

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Lindsey Vonn has best time in trial run on Monday.

LINDSEY VONN: Speaking of Lindsays, the leggy one named Vonn cuts a little German cheese and suddenly she’s got medal mettle? Seems the cheese and the foul weather helped her considerably – unless this shin thing is a Bill Belichick strategy scheme cooked up by her handlers to make opponents underestimate her and maximize Madison Ave ad deals as the new Willis Reed. We’re suspicious and may set a… [DRUM ROLL]… Vonn Trapp for her.

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Back to the cheese… Vonn was eschewing pain medication in favor of Austrian topfen cheese – without a ringing endorsement from her Olympic ski team doctors. They’d like to see her cut the cheese right out of out PT Tent. The head doc said this: “The care being given by his team of medical staff is evidence-based medicine.” Translation: We are reluctantly catering to this nonsense. Anyway, something about this whole thing just stinks.

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SETH WESCOTT: Aside from hockey and the downhill events, snowboard cross gets our vote as The Thing To Watch. And this go round didn’t disappoint. American Seth Wescott roared back in this bumper-cars on boards to stun Canadian Mike Roberston – who choked big time. Wescott looked awful in qualifying and was 17th out of the 32, but stepped up to grab his second gold medal. Robertson was likely counting his Tim Horton endorsement tooneys as the 33-year-old Westcott closed a huge gap and passed him. Oh, Canada.

JOHNNY SPILLANE: On any other Olympic Tale Tuesday, Mickey Spillane’s nephew’s silver medal in the Nordic combined, the first ever for the United States in the Olympics, would be the Top Tale. Beer and gas-passing always take priority, though. But this was really cool. Cross country skiing and ski jumping (see The Last Cool Olympian) What’s not cool is that French skier Jason Lamy Chappuis, the dirty name that surged past Johnny to win, could have been wearing U.S. spandex. The 23-year-old skier was born in Missoula and moved to France as a child. Baisez mon coup, Jason. This faux frog spoke at the post-race press conference in English with no trace of a French accent. That could have been a gold and a silver for the Red, White & Blue. Sacre blue!

Frites Alors… C’est tout pour aujourd’hui. Angry Ward, demain. We’re off to Rio for Mardi Gras.

TWO CENTS MOREDick Button needs to get higher socks so we don’t have to see his calf hair when he’s chatting fireside with a trying-to-be interested Al Michaels or Bob Costas. And his Herman Munster boots would make Mr. Blackwell cringe… Chuck Scarborough and Sue Simmons read scripts from teleprompters. We don’t need to hear their lame theories in promos for their newscasts… Finally, what the Jerry Lewis is going on with the figure skaters?! They’re falling all over the place. Hey, Lady!

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