FORT WORTH, TEXAS – We like winners here in the good ol’ USA. Doesnâ€™t matter if it the Olympics, politics, gymnastics or carnal anticsâ€¦ weâ€™re addicted to being â€œthe bestâ€. Thatâ€™s why a well know technique amongst editors to juice media ratings is to produce lists; best places to live, hottest movie stars, top city for bean burritos, best moves to keep your partner satisfied, best places to meet a skank who would make Tiger purrâ€¦.
Weâ€™re not about Number Two. Unlike some cultures, like the Japanese, we donâ€™t honor the battle well fought. F-that. We wanna be the top dog.
This year, however, people in the New York City area are missing a once-in-lifetime, Haleyâ€™s Comet of badness: The New Jersey Nets. In honor of the Nets and their efforts to become the worst team ever in professional basketball, Dr. Diz would like to give kudos to some other all-time losers. Here goes:
No loser list would be complete without the whole reason that 1969 was considered a miracle – the Mets were just so bad before. They still hold the record for losses in modern ball; an Amazin’ 42-120 in 1962. But itâ€™s not just that…they also lost 111 in ’63, 109 in ’64 and 112 in ’65. They were bad to the bone. Amazinâ€™.
The Columbia Lions became icons of futility in one of Dr. Diz’s favorite pastimes, college football, by losing 44 games in a row from 1983-88, still the 1-AA record. Things got so bad the band played the Mickey Mouse Club theme when they entered the field.
Unlike some other notably bad teams, they couldn’t even be smug about it –Vanderbilt gets smoked by a bunch of thugs from Alabama but takes solace in the fact that theyâ€™ll be their bosses some day. No such luck for the Lions; they got their butts kicked by Harvard, Princeton and Yale.
On the ice the ’74-’75 Washington Caps were a joke at 8-67-5. The Caps hold the record for least points, fewest wins, most goals against and largest goal differential. Ah yes, Ol’ time hockey from back in the days with no helmets.
Which brings us to the Nets of East Rutherford then Newark then Brooklyn –maybe. The NBA’s worst record ever was the ’72-’73 Philadelphia 76ers . The Philly Phanatic’s & Philview’s boys finished 9-73. The Nets have a current record of??? 6-53. They couldâ€¦ goâ€¦ allâ€¦ theâ€¦ way… Yep, New York metro area fans could get a chance to see the Nets become the All-time Worst Team In The NBA – which is kinda cool. I mean, if youâ€™re going to be bad, be really, really bad. And just think, soon Brooklyn residents get to give up their houses and small businesses to eminent domain so a few movers & shakers who vacation in The Hamptonâ€™s can build these clowns a new arena. But that aside, go see the Nets out in The Swamp they currently call home and witness their futility firsthand. After all, it could be history in the making.
Rich Guy with “Net fan” in The Hamptons.
So, letâ€™s hoist our glasses and drink a toast this week to the losers; the ones who try and donâ€™t quite make it: The kid always picked last at the softball game… The guy who consistently strikes out in life, love and work but keeps swingin’… The guys who shoot themselves in the foot but them hobble back for more… Because it’s sticking with em’ when they are down that defines fandom -or friendship – for that matter. And hey, we’ve all been there.
Angry Ward, tomorrow.
The great Chris Knight gives his musical commentary on
life in Loserville…