Groundhog Day Forecasting: If A Rat Can Predict Future, So Can I

The only rodent I would rather touch is a beaver

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – It’s only appropriate that The Matts have me writing 2 weeks in a row when I’m only supposed to write every other week on Groundhog Day.  Its like de ja vu all over again.  In the world of minor holidays there is no day more ludicrous than Groundhog Day.  On this eh… “special” day, the USA  throws caution to the wind and allows for a rodent to predict the future.  Not a chimp, or a parrot, or a dog, or a Short Matt, or any other animal that has somewhat complex behaviors, but a glorified rat. Yeah.

So, why should we analyze hundreds of years of weather data when the rat can tell us when winter will end?  Oddly enough, I think it is a form of hope we cling to. We  lustfully await the future the groundhog will bestow upon us because knowing the future is comforting.  So thanks for that, rat.

Now in my attempt to make like a rodent and predict the future, I present you with this nugget of info:

D Rose don't take off his shoes for just anyone

The owner of the NJ Nets (not Jay-Z, he only owns enough of the team to be sent a bill for Kris Humphries’ oversized jockstraps), Mikhail Prohkolov, is a candidate for the presidency in Russia.  The NBA has confirmed that if elected there is no conflict of interest.  So, you are telling me he can run a country and still have enough time to fiddle around with the Nets?

This got me thinking. After I found the third clue, I sat in the thinking chair and came up with the following:

What would the world be like if Obama owned the Bulls?

Spike Lee would be an even more useless sound bite or camera pan.  I mean who cares about the Spike Lee when the President is in the house.

The Beer Manwould likely be a Secret Service agent.

He will break you

Obama will be the first owner to take the union side in CBA talks. He will get a legendary agreement passed that granted healthcare to all of the illegitimate children fathered by NBA players all to have it overturned because the deal violates the Constitution.

WNBAplayers will get paid the same as their male counterparts because he will enforce his new labor disparity laws for men and women.  Thus, putting the WNBA out of business since they make no money. Thanks Obama!

His stem cell research agreements will allow for a synthesized child from the sperm of MJ, Kobe, and Le Bron.  The baby will be carried by one of the Williams sisters.

Whenever the Bulls play the Nets it will be called the Cold War.  (also I think the Nets will become the Brighton Beach Red Hammers and Mikhail should be referred to as Drago)

And last but not least when the Bulls win the NBA title in 2014 Obama will be waiting on an aircraft carrier with a banner that says “Mission accomplished“!

I guess I have to groundhog  the big game.  If Short Matt sees his shadow, I say Giants 23 – Patsys 20.  If he can’t find his own shadow, then we all have bigger problems.

Cookie’s Corner, tomorrow.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.