NEW YORK, NY – With the recent deaths of Donna Summer and Robin Gibb it appears that Disco Hell is getting a bit hotter. You have to have to admit if there is a Rock and Roll Heaven there must be a Disco Hell. In Disco Hell everyone is given a pair of roller skates, hot pants and a fishnet tank top upon their arrival. All newcomers believe this is heaven until they realize that, just like that famous Bruce Jenner/Village People movie of the 70’s, you literally “Can’t Stop The Music.”
Disco definitely wasn’t one of my favorite things from the 70’s, but Wacky Packs sure were. So keeping with the 70’s theme I thought I’d come up with a Wacky Pack for each baseball team.
Philadelphia Phillies – Not only are they suffering greatly without Utley and Howard the brand Jerkson & Jerkson fits their fans well.
Boston Red Sox – Their penchant for clubhouse happy hours made this the obvious choice.
Seattle Mariners – Angry Ward’s team has been playing like grim death for years and their offense is from the stone age.
St. Louis Cardinals – Specifically Mark McGwire makes this an easy choice.
Atlanta Braves – 14 straight division titles with only one World Series victory coupled with last year’s epic collapse earns them this title.
Minnesota Twins – It seems the Twins faced the Yanks in every postseason between 2002 and 2009 and sh!t the bed each time.
Washington Nationals – When Wilson Ramos was held hostage in Venezuela, this is all he had to eat for two days.
New York Yankees – They certainly were the biggest Ajerx when they signed A.J. Burnett to a 5 year $82.5 million contract.
Pittsburgh Pirates – Their last winning season was during George Bush’s last term, that is George H. Bush not Dubya.
Kansas City Royals – The only Royals to make a million dollars of the past decade are those that hit big on Missouri scratch-off tickets. Sorry, Cam James.
Chicago Cubs – I know the Mets and Red Sox have had their share of bad contracts but no one touches the Cubs in this area.
Detroit Tigers – These cats have stunk up the joint when it counts too many times to recall.
Chicago White Sox – Chicago’s south side was Al Capone’s home and not much has changed around Comiskey Park in a century.
Oakland A’s – When they decided to sign Manny they had to play dumb about his past.
San Diego Padres – I’m pretty sure the Hippy Hippo is still housed in the San Diego Zoo.
Milwaukee Brewers – Bud Selig no longer makes Milwaukee burp, he just makes them vomit in their mouth a little bit.
Houston Astros – Minute Maid Park is certainly being run by a slumlord these days.
New York Mets – It seems all Yankee fans love calling the Mets by this name so I figured I’d make Yankee Joe’s day with this one.
Baltimore Orioles – This franchise hasn’t been relevant in a dog’s life.
Miami Marlins – Ozzie’s Fidel Castro comments surely made a mess down in south Florida. Also this product is the official sponsor of Meet The Matts. Short Matt isn’t just the spokesman, he’s a client.
Arizona Diamondbacks – These guys certainly have been eating their Weakies, ranking in the bottom third in runs the past decade.
Los Angeles Angels – Arte Moreno looks like he spent a lot of money of a bunch of lemons with shot wheels this year.
San Francisco Giants – Lincecum, Zito and the black-bearded relievers look like bad ass surfer punks.
Los Angeles Dodgers – Who knows how many Bum Chex Frank McCourt passed during his tenure as Dodgers owner.
Tampa Bay Rays – Even though they have top talent every year they are too cheap to pay the extra bucks needed to put them over the hump.
Cincinnati Reds – Bordering Kentucky brings in a lot of rednecks with their own buckets of fingers.
Texas Rangers – Team president Nolan Ryan gave the most famous knuckle sandwich in baseball to Robin Ventura.
Toronto Blue Jays – We’ve been hearing for years that the Blue Jays are ready to contend but they never are.
Colorado Rockies – Cartman didn’t get his hatred for hippies out of the blue, Colorado is full of ’em.
Cleveland Indians – From The Mistake By The Lake, we’d like to present our favorite squaw.
Stay tuned tomorrow for a man who had a wacky pack collection like no other, Angry Ward.