NEW YORK, NY – I hate to play the role of hard-ass here (oh, who am I kidding, I love that role), but someone has to start looking out for Kate Upton. Sure she’s just recently out of her teens, and apparently ready to take over the world, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t need someone to watch her back… and front… and pretty much every other square inch of her. Where was I? Oh yeah, just recently some moron skinny-chick blogger tried to make a name for herself by making disparaging remarks about Kate’s body. Those kinds of actions cannot go unpunished, but I’ll leave that to all the psychos out there who are now threatening that poor stick figure’s life. The bigger threat to our Miss Kate is, of course, the dating scene. Months ago she was linked to mega loser Mark Sanchez and we have to make sure that she doesn’t make similar horrible choices. With that in mind, here are 10 people that Kate Upton is forbidden to date.
Who: Charles Barkley. Why: Aside from his propensity for shooting his mouth off and the fact that he will one day gamble away what’s left of his money, the real thing Kate wants to avoid here is one of those cutesy mash-up names the press likes to give celebrity couples. Believe me, the last thing you want to be known as is, UpChuck.
Who: Jason Bay. Why: For one, he’s married, but so are a lot of guys (wink, wink) so let’s take that out of the equation. Kate must avoid baseball’s version of Schleprock at all costs. This guy is nothing but exploding stoves and high gruesomes. The last thing we want is for something awful to befall our Miss Kate Upton. Besides, the guy can’t even hit a baseball, so why should he be able to hit on this?
Who: Rex Ryan. Why:Well, there is a significant age difference, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t even the same species, but let’s move on. Rexy would spend way too much time paying attention to Kate’s feet and that is just a waste of an incredible array of natural resources. We won’t stand for that.
Who: Derek Jeter. Why: Enough already! The guy goes through women like C.C. Sabathia through a sleeve of Oreos. Even Minka Kelly and her sweet gummy smile wasn’t good enough for the guy. Let him fulfill his destiny of marrying some thrice-divorced gold-digger when he’s just some retired fatty living down in Tampa.
Who: Lindsay Lohan. Why: We’re not at all against same sex unions, but the ravages of substance abuse are no laughing matter. Caught Lohan in a snippet from Mean Girls the other night and she was on top of her game. Totally smokin’, and we don’t mean crack. It’s sad, really. This snowblower must be avoided at all costs.
Who: Justin Verlander. Why: Kate’s been recently linked to Verlander, and maybe he’s a good guy. But, do you really want to spend your summers in Detroit? While we’re at it, just avoid Justin Timberlake and Justin Bieber while you’re at it. Let’s just play it safe and say all Justins are off limits.
Who: Me. Why: I’m bad news baby. You don’t want to know.
Who: Tim Tebow. Why: Are you kidding me? He thinks the Cat Daddy is what marries the Cat Mommy so the cat babies don’t grow up in sin.
Who: Joey Votto. Why: Yeah, the guy can flat out rake but never trust a grown man who still goes by Joey. For other examples see Joey Belle and Joey Harrington. On the female side of the ledger, Joey Heatherton was always a bit of an unstable particle.
Who: Usain Bolt. Why: He’s fast. A little too fast.