Merry Christmas! Here’s Your Jesus Sports List

Matty, "Jesus" and Felipe.
Matty, "Jesus" and Felipe.
Jesus Sports List has Matty, “Jesus” & Felipe.

BETHLEHEM, PA – Today is Christmas Day.  A nice holiday for all and a very holy day for a good many of us. Sports and Christmas do intersect now more than ever with the insane slate of NBA games.  There is a nationally televised game from noon until 10:30 eastern time today, so hoops junkies get extra presents.  For most of my life the only sports you could find on Christmas Day was the odd NBA game and the Hula Bowl featuring college All Stars whose teams never made it to real bowls.  The longest game in NFL history was played on Christmas Day back in 1971 when the Miami Dolphins defeated the Kansas City Chiefs 27 – 24 in the second overtime period.  Since this game lasted well into the night, many fans were outraged that Christmas celebrations were ruined so the NFL didn’t schedule another Christmas game for 17 years.

Christmas should be about Jesus and this column should be about sports. With that, I present the Jesus Sports List.

Jesus Alou – One of the three wise men from the Dominican (the others being baseball playing brothers Felipe and Matty).  Jesus had a long career but was not nearly as good as his two All-Star brothers.  Luckily for us, the real Jesus he didn’t have any sibling rivals to outshine him or we all might be working today instead of opening presents.

Ivan de Jesus – This speedy shortstop once led the National League in runs and is further proof that DaVinci and his boys were on to something.  His name literally means “of Jesus” and naturally that means that Mary Magdalene and our boy Jesus must’ve hooked up like Dan Brown’s book claims.

Montero’s Girl: WWJD With These?

Jesus Flores – The former Met catching prospect was a rule 5 draft pick of the Washington Nationals and remains as their primary backup.  The Mets were crucified for keeping Methuselah-like Julio Franco on their 40-man roster and leaving their best catching prospect exposed.

Jesus Montero – The Yankees turned all Pontius Pilate on their fans when they washed their hands of their top catching prospect before last season for Michael Pineda. We all missed out because their is no way Pineda’s special lady could ever hold a church candle to Montero’s gal pal.

Jesus Chavez – Nicknamed El Matador, he is a former Super Featherweight and Lightweight Boxing Champion.  He won the IBF Lightweight Title in September 2005 against Leavander Johnson, who was beaten so badly that he died a few days later.  If Jesus beats you to death do you automatically get into Heaven?  I think it is the least you can do for the guy.

Jesus Quintana – The Dude’s bowling nemesis from The Big Lebowski.  Like many all too many priests we’ve heard about recently, he had a thing for boys.  But there is no denying the creep can roll.


Merry Christmas Stay tuned tomorrow for another creep who can roll, Angry Ward.

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