ST LOUIS, MO – This morning I realized something: I have been slogging away for this rag since back in 2012. Do I get an anniversary pen? No. Not yet, at least… Anyway, the point is that this is not the easiest task – coming up with something that you’ll actually read – and that task is tougher this week because one of my babies momma’s gave me strep throat. NOTE: If they have little kids, they have diseases themselves. So, after a week in bed of Showtime on-demand, playing FIFA 2013 for hours on end, “researching” Playmate of the Apes, four seasons of Weeds and putting a bunch of 12-year-olds in their place online, all I have are recounts of my fever induced hallucinations.
Lance Armstrong on Meth: Let’s be real here. I am all for keeping sports clean but all Lance Armstrong is guilty of is injecting himself with… HIS OWN BLOOD? Holy crap. Evidently you are your own best performance enhancer. That got me thinking: What if Lance took Meth? There is this little race many people have never heard of called RAAM or Race Across America, wherein psychopath’s cycle from Southern California to Maryland. 3000 miles in 12 days with no rest days. To put that into perspective, the Tour de France is around 2000 miles over 25 days with 2 days off. Lance on Meth would probably conquer RAAM in 4 days and nap at the finish line for a week, waiting for the rest of the competitors to show up.
Gary Bettman in Octagon With a Fan: “The Man That Ruined Hockey” is sentenced to 3 rounds with an old friend of mine, Michael Chandler. Mike is an undefeated Bellator Lightweight Champion, former 4-time NCAA qualifier and all American wrestler. Watch him defend his title tonight on Spike! What would be better than putting this guy through the ringer after he put hockey through the ringer. An apology is not enough. As Clubber T. Lang would say, “I predict Pain.”
Nick Saban Smiling: There is a better chance of him having a tattoo of his wife wearing a Chad Pennington Dolphins jersey than ever seeing him smile on camera. My guess is he has another wife that we don’t know about, smiling all the way to the bank with half his booty.
Vince McMahon as NFL Head Coach: Does anyone remember the XFL? If the Bears are going go north for a coach why don’t the Jaguars go south… to 2001? I’ll even bet He Hate Me would suit up, wherever he is. That being said, the referees would not know what hit them… literally. If you think the Harbaughs work the refs hard, wait until the linesman gets a folding chair to the face.
Coach Calipari Losing: It was at Rupp Arena to an unranked team. Oh, wait… This actually happened. The wheels are off in Lexington! I can not wait for this Kentucky team to miss the NCAA tournament. That would be sweeter than just about everything else in this article and it is the only thing that has a high likelihood of happening.
Serena Williams & Lebron James Procreate: The weird thing about this vision was not that I envisioned their super child as a Cricket star. Somewhere along the way their children were sent to private school in London, presumably at a place across the street from Wembly. Man, that Sebron Jilliams is one hell of a bowler.
Roger Clemens burns Torches Hall of Fame: If you can’t join em burn em. When does Roger snap? My guess is soon. Very soon.
Different Matt on ‘shrooms, tomorrow.