We’re once again stepping up to the plate for a striking staff writer… but we refuse to talk hockey today because every time we do, the Rangers lose. But before we “don’t talk hockey,” we’d just like to reiterate that Brad Richards is as valuable as Denise Richards on the ice right now – while she’s watching her daughter!
NEW YORK, NY – Okay, so your team is down by a run with runners on 2nd and 3rd and two outs. It’s the bottom of the 9th, Game 7 of the World Series. Who do you want coming up to the plate? Game On The Line… Your All-Time Best Hitter. Here’s our list:
Ted Williams: His kids froze his head. That speaks volumes.
Tony Gwynn: He could hit like he could eat.
Derek Jeter: You’d be hard-pressed to find a more proven performer in the box, especially on the field.
George Brett: The guy with a homer of Goose Gossage in a playoff game at a hostile Yankee Stadium with a hemorrhoid the size of Carlos Baerga’s head.
Rod Carew: We had to get a Jew on the list for Cookie, Lori Levine and Sam’s-A-Fan.
Keith Hernandez: Mex’s clutch hits weren’t Just For Men… But he wouldn’t likely complain if they were. Ahem.
Rusty Staub: Le Grand Orange could hit with BBQ sauce and honey mustard dripping from his jowls and batting gloves. Lenny Harris be damned.
Joe DiMaggio: This angry, racist sonuvabitch was the right-handed Ted Williams – they were both jackasses that could hit.
Hubit Chakokoff: This lesser-known Russian star could stroke a ball despite using an abruptly shortened bat.
There you have it, please feel free to opine, bloviate and prevaricate below. Just clean up after you’re through.
Cheesy Bruin, manana.
